As I mentioned yesterday, I feel stuck. I am in my own way and am not really sure how to get myself out of the way. Then I got a text message from a friend who shared that he was having a similar issue because he owned that he is not in a place where help is available to him because he still feels the need to dictate the terms. Ummm, thank you for that reminder. No help will ever be available to me so long as I think that I know things. My knowing blocks everything that might be available to me that is outside what I think. And that is the issue.
I look at recovery - I could not get sober until I was all out of my own solutions. I had to surrender to the idea that I had totally fucked up my life. I was a TRAIN WRECK and even though I didn’t believe it, maybe someone else just might do a better job of managing my life. Clearly, I was not up to the task. All I could seem to do was burn it down...repeatedly.
Until I could admit and accept that my solutions for the problems I was experiencing were the REAL problem, I was stuck in the place where it is Groundhog Day forever. Once I finally surrendered and was willing to do whatever someone else told me to do, I was able to begin recovering.
Life is no different today. I have to get out of the way which proves, depending on the issue to be a very hard ask sometimes. I want so much to be in control, in charge, because it makes me feel safe. Which is wrong. Dead wrong. Control is an illusion. And with control comes all the responsibility too. And that feels like being buried alive...
So I can see that I am in my own way. I think that I know things and think that I can change things and I can...but without guidance, spiritual guidance, I am doomed because I am limited to this finite mind of mine, instead of being willing to tap into the unlimited spiritual realm which is expansive and supportive.
There are many issues in my life that I do not know what to do with, but the one that is hurting me most now is my relationship with my son. He is a teenager and with that comes all the stuff. Then there is his stuff which makes it extra, extra. I keep trying to handle it and I just make it worse.
Yesterday in a particularly hard moment, instead of doing what I always do, I prayed. I just got quiet and prayed. Prayed for a new response, some guidance, anything that might change this super dysfunctional dynamic...and that in and of itself was different. And that is where it begins. I don’t feel all better, praying isn’t magic where I do it once and then everything is altered, forever. But praying for me signifies some humility. Some willingness to concede that I do not know. I am not in charge and I need help. And when I am in that state, as horrifically vulnerable as it feels, I am more available to help than I am when I am over here running the show thinking that I know shit.
So praying is the way that I get myself out of the way. I love the set aside prayer (well my version of it):
Help me set aside everything that I think I know, all that stands in the way of me coming to know you, the path, the truth. Let me set aside all that I think is true so that I may see a more honest truth about myself, others and the path.
I say this prayer every time I am in my way which is only probably one tenth of the time that I am actually in my own way and just don’t see it!
Prayer and surrender, surrender and prayer, these are the tools I use, not often enough, to get out of my way...to be willing to be moved to the next place I am supposed to be, the new me that is needed to show up in this life. To serve those about me, even when I would rather just run the fuck away. So much easier to shut it all down, lock it up and move on. Except that it isn’t. It is much, much harder to live in constant flight, most especially from oneself. Sooner or later, we always catch up with ourselves...even if it is in our final moments. How we die is how we lived. I see that and for today, that will be my motivation to get the fuck out of the way to allow some sort of Divinity to come to pass. At least, I will pray for that.
