Gratitude for Girlfriends...

I have historically been better friends with men.  Lots of reasons for this, but I will save that for another blog, at another time.  Women have been trickier for me.  I have always had a bestie.  One girl or woman that I was super close with, one who knew all my stuff.  And because of that closeness, there were also a lot of betrayals.  I am by nature a loyal person.  If I love you,  I love you.  And I am not really susceptible to the whims of other woman who may not like you.  I was never a mean girl.  Although I was the fodder of them a great deal.  Which is likely why I never was one.

Female relationships have always stymied me.  Most especially in groups.  It is like I feel too vulnerable at the group level and need a one on one or smaller group in order to not be weird or shutdown.  I have always longed for, and had on occasion, a larger group of women friends but for the most part those have all ended in disaster.  Mostly my fault.  I am just not a joiner and eventually the group grope gets to me and after years of suffering in relative silence, I say or do something that causes the whole house of cards to come a tumbling down.  And then I quite adeptly have turned a group of friends into haters.  Honesty, it is like some backhanded skill I have for blowing up girl groups.  And it hasn’t improved with age.

And I think in large part it was my choice in the groups to be part of that were never good for me from the word go.  But there was some desperate need to belong somewhere, to something that always caused me to push aside all my reservations and keep to myself all the ways the relationships were not working for me, and then in one moment of truth, I ruin the whole entire thing.  Betraying or giving the appearance of betrayal to all involved.  I have learned though, it was my wholesale abandonment of myself that happened for me to participate in group to begin with that caused the ultimate blow.  I am more selective now and know that my participation in female centered groups needs to be small, intimate and only with a certain type of woman.

My circle of friends has shrunk but it has shrunk to something manageable for me.  The women who are in my life now, I love with a ferocity and intimate understanding.  I have, and believe they have for me, an unconditional positive regard.  No matter what I do or how I act, they give me the benefit of the doubt.  They can withstand and even enjoy me as me, most of the time.  And when they can’t, they don’t leave, they just give me space which is exactly what I likely needed in the first place.

It takes a very special person to be friends with me.  I am not an easy person to love or be in relationship with.  I am prone to withdrawal and isolation.  I go quiet, and it is rarely about them.  I am bad at keeping up with communication and go dark sometimes.  Being my friend is not for the faint at heart.  I am mouthy and opinionated and do not do a good job tempering my true feelings.

I also have moved around so much in my life, that I am always half expecting the friendship to wither away.  And sometimes, I have even attempted to walk away even though there was no really good reason to do so.  My true friends know there will be a point, or several points, where they will be required to reign me back in, and they are ok with that.

It is not easy to be friends with someone who feels better off on her own.  And so my appreciation and love for all the women in my life who love me and call me friend is expansive and great.

I spent last evening walking the beach with my core Ojai female friend group, minus one, but she joined us for dinner later.  Three women I love dearly.  All at the same stage in life and all intelligent, wise, funny as fuck, and irreverent.  And beautiful.  Wow, so beautiful.  And beauty is not a requirement for friendship, but maybe it is.  While all of those women are gorgeous, their beauty is something that begin on the inside and radiates out.  Their faces reflecting a strong and inner source of grace, poise, beauty and self assuredness. And a delicacy that might be easy to miss.

We had a lovely beach walk as the sun set in the November sky.  Followed by a lovely meal prepared by my friend who can whip up anything and make it look like Martha Steward was in the house.  We laughed, we ate, we shared and we loved.  And I left the evening feeling a sense of belonging that doesn’t come for me very often.

On Sunday I will host book club, and I actually read the book!  Another group of women that I have come to know and love.  And this group incorporates all of the women I have known the longest since I moved to Ojai in 2010.  That is about 15 years of friendship.

Then I have all my recovery women.  And while we do not form an official group together, they are all important to me and vital to my life.  And while they may not feel connected to each other, I feel like they are.  They are all similar and the kind of women I admire and respect.  And we are all a little nuts, but all the best people are!

Then I have my long time friends, women I have been friends with for years.  Distance and time have done their thing but the friendship remains.  A closeness exists that doesn’t seem to be that affected by time and station.  We just love each other no matter what.

And then there is my mom and daughter who are way more than girlfriends.  If I were to name a best friend, it would be these two women.  Sure, this additional dimension to our relationship makes it somewhat more complicated but there is no other women on the planet who I love more than these two women.  And they both get me in ways that I can barely comprehend.  My mom has been my closest ally, my confidant, my sounding board, my teacher, my respite, my wise counsel and my, well, everything.  There is no one on this earth that knows me better, in all the good and bad ways.

My daughter perhaps knows me less because our time together has been shorter.  But our relationship is close, intimate and loving except when I get mad at her for leaving the lights on or messing up the house.  She gets me and I get her and there is a level of trust there that surpasses a lot of the slings and arrows of a mother/daughter relationship.

And just now, while writing this, I realized that perhaps the reason I have struggled in female friendships has been because I had such an amazing primary relationship with my mother.  I didn’t need to replicate or duplicate, I had the real thing all along.  So my need for female companionship was never fueled by what I know so many of my friends have sought for and looked for in their female relationships.  I have always had a close, intimate connection with another woman who I know loves me with everything she has.

And I believe this has been the single most important relationship of my life. This connection to my mom.  This loving, stable, kind, unconditional friendship that has been there for the entirety of my existence.  I absolutely know that I would not be here or relatively sane without her. 

And she the best example of what I am trying to provide my daughter.  To be that source of unconditional, positive regard for her.  It is a hard legacy to perpetuate but it doesn’t really feel that way, because I just had the best fucking example.

So today, I am so very grateful for all the women I call friend.  And while there aren’t huge numbers, the numbers are whole, complete, evolving women who I can rely upon and be relied upon to be me, flawed, broken, damaged, and real.  Female relationships that are based on authenticity and accountability are life affirming and make this whole living, breathing thing so much more fun.

I haven’t always done this whole friend thing correctly but somehow I have been blessed anyway.

Again, still...

I am grateful for

Girlfriends

Lovely evenings wandering the beach

Fun, unexpected Friday nights

A clean house (well, clean considering all the beings that reside here, not Erin clean, but good enough)

Home improvements

Hosting book club tomorrow

Good sleep

Lunch with Jeff today!

Compassion

Unconditional Positive regard

Elizabeth

Being asked to speak for AA