Greed...

I was walking to my car yesterday and I was just overwhelmed with my own greed.  I have this lovely car, a very nice home, my life is so good, but I spend way too much time wanting more.  It seems as if I am never satisfied.  And that cuts both ways.  Sometimes, my desire is what propels me forward in life; I need to have something to strive for...but how much of that striving is really just greed disguised as something else?

I have enough. I really do.  If I never received anything else in this life, I would be blessed and would’ve been given way more than I could really appreciate or ask for...

Yet, I still want more.

Yesterday this wanting left me feeling greedy.  And that did not feel good at all.

So I looked up the word:  greed.  "An intense selfish desire for something especially wealth, power,  or consumables".  I was so hoping the definition would be self exclusionary...

I don’t know that I have an intense desire for wealth.  I mean I want to be comfortable and of course, have more than I have right now.  But I am sure that if I had more, I would just spend more and then I would wind up right back where I am right now.

My intense desire for power has always been about my own life.  I don’t want power over you as much as I want power over me, and I do not want you having power over me.  I have done a lot of work on this, especially for me since it plays out with control.  I want control more than I want power.  But perhaps, really, the two are the same.

Ok, so the definition I looked up used food as the third thing but I changed it to consumables instead because I know it could be anything:  food, sex, drugs, alcohol, shopping, exercise.  The what is not really the point.  What I crave or intensely desire is less important than the lengths I will go to to get what I want.  Always.

So why am I greedy?  Is everyone greedy in today’s world?  Where do I fall on the spectrum of greed in today culture?

I guess oddly ordinary.  I do believe my addictive nature makes it more likely than not that I will lean in that direction say more than someone else without addiction issues.  However, I do not feel like I am overly greedy, comparatively speaking.

Nevertheless, I felt overwhelmed with my own greed yesterday which was masquerading as dissatisfaction.  Perhaps that is the precursor to greed?  Perhaps that is simply the precursor to change.  Fuck, I don’t know.

All I know to do today is to sit with the fact that sometimes I am greedy.  And while it might manifest as a longing, desire or dissatisfaction, underneath it all is greed.  And like everything else in this life, greed can be a catalyst for remarkable change.  And it can also ruin your life.  Just depends on how intensely it shows up and what you do with it.

For me, I guess recognizing it is the first step.  Seeing that I have it and how it tends to show up is helpful.  I know yesterday when it overwhelmed me, I felt an intense desire to push it away.  To yell. “NO, I AM NOT LIKE THAT!”  

But I am...sometimes.

And that is ok.  It isn’t a deadly sin for nothing.  It is a character defect that is there to let me know when I am out of balance.  And the only way I ever get to see that, is to see greed as it shows up in my every day life and then do what I can to inquire about it, take an honest inventory of what is going on with me, and then take corrective action.  That is what I can do with it.

So much easier to just tell myself a story about its non-existence in my life. So much easier.

But so much less productive.  And I love being productive.

I guess I am kind of greedy with the self reflection too.  But if selfishness is part and parcel to the definition, then I guess you can’t be greedy with the self reflection, because, at least for me, I am always doing it with you in mind.  I am always attempting to show up better for me and you.  It is never all about me in this regard.  I am working out my shit so that I can understand and relate to you better.  Always.

Again, still...