Ground Down...

It has a negative connotation, doesn’t it?  Being ground down, but I am thinking about it in another way...

When change is coming, when life is altering your course, when you are being moved into a new way of being, sometimes you have to ground down, first, before you can move upwards.  Think, like a cat before it leaps onto a counter, it makes this lower, crouching motion first, before it propels itself into the air...

That is what this time in my life feels like.  Like I am grinding down, my gears moving slower, I feel almost pushed into a crouching position, and I pray that it is because I am going to leap forward.  This last six months has been hard.  And I have handled it as best I can...a lot of change all at once.  And just thinking about it makes me tired.  So very tired.  But sitting here now, coffee in hand, relaxing in my bed as I type out this post, I can see that there is captured momentum in my life.  I can feel the energy pulsing, even as I have sat relatively still...

I have a lot of creative projects underway.  And there is a certain level of springing that is going to happen with each of them once I get them out and into the world.  I pray they launch...I mean, that is kind of the point.  I mean, the inevitable point, but now, they are just works in progress and I am here doing my best to hold onto all this potential energy and do my best to turn it into kinetic energy.  Energy that will propel me forward and into whatever is supposed to come next...

Sometimes we have to reach deeply into the stores of our bodies and minds before we can move forward...and that is what this time in my life feels like it is asking me.  Things are falling away, avenues I used to explore and waste myself upon, are just no longer avenues for me.  Dating is pointless because, well, it just is.  Sometimes because of me and all my indifference, and other times because men in SoCal don’t seem competent to do anything but fumble us.  Working isn’t an option right now due to my health stuff.  And believe me, most of my life has been spent doing those two things!  Dating and working.  Relationshiping and Careering.  Over and over.  And now I do not have either.  And that has left a dearth that I am grappling with.  And if I am honest, I am not all that excited about ever doing either again...working is something I am going to have to figure out, but dating, fuck I never have to do that again, even if I want to!

I guess my whole point this morning is that I feel all this potential energy building up within me.  Like I am one of my cats, crouching before I make this amazing leap from the laundry room floor, up to the top of the door (about 8 feet).  And I hope I have my cats’ success rate, most of the time they nail it.  But sometimes, not unlike the men and dating, they fumble it quite spectactulary!  I guess we will see what I do in good time.  God’s time.  Today, I am just going to work on healing that which is broken within me and do my best not to waste all this potential energy that is sizzling within me.

Again, still...

Delilah was successful! Perhaps I will be too!