Wanting What You Have...

It isn’t that I haven’t ever been here before...

I have, many times.  Time slows and I have been able to appreciate the life I have and all its challenges, gifts, loves and joys.  But it has taken me decades to arrive at the place I find myself today.  Acceptance of the life I have and really wanting what I already have.

I love where I live.

I love my home.

I love my kids.

I love my mom.

I love my friends.

I love my gym time.

I love daily walks in nature.

I love the travel I get to do.

I love the opportunities I have in this life.

I love the me I have grown into.

I love the work I get to do.

I love the sober life I get to enjoy.

I love the God I pray to every day.

I love my animals and the joy we share daily.

I love my quiet time.

It isn’t that I didn’t love all of the above things previously.  I just think that, until the last six months, I just didn’t really understand exactly how blessed I was to have the life I do.  I have always had an appreciation for all of the many blessings in my life, but it has taken me the last six months to want what I already have.

I don’t dream about moving away anymore.

I don’t chase the phantom relationships.

I have real, loving, flawed, honest relationships with the people in my life today.

I support my kids to the best of my ability while I let them go find out who and what they are.

I don’t want to be some other version of me, I like, hell I love, the one I am right now writing this.

I do not want what I haven’t got.

At least in this moment...

Craving shall return because that is what craving does.  Returns.  Repeatedly.  But I don’t have to buy into it.  I don’t have to succumb.  I can watch it land, take hold and then...do nothing because today I know it shall pass.

I know I shall get swept away sometimes, because I am human and an addict.  But I find it is harder to get swept away when you already have what you want.  And I do.

Life is never static, it is constantly changing.  But I am finally getting that true happiness radiates from the inside out and is sourced from wanting what you have.  Not longing for all that is not here.  It has taken my lifetime to get to this place where I am right now. Content.  Happy even.  Blessed to live this life I have and love.  The people who remain, and the new ones that enter my orbit. There is room for them all because I am now the safest person in my own life and am able to sidestep the toxic ones as they approach.  I didn’t used to be able to do that.  They landed on me with a stickiness that was like gum on the sole of your shoe on a hot day, almost impossible to remove.

There will always be things that I think I want. And the best antidote for craving I have found, is an immediate inventory of what you already possess.  And then the ability to sit calmly with the blessing that is my life.  I am sure some would say that I do not possess it all.  But I have a lot.  And I am grateful every single day of my life.

Again, still...