Hard Balling...

No, no, it is NOT that! I mean, it could be, but that is not what I am talking about today! Hahaha! I am talking about the term in relation to dating!

In the context of dating, "hardballing" means being upfront and direct about your relationship goals and expectations from the start, often before even going on a first date. This approach involves clearly communicating your desires, like whether you're looking for a long-term commitment or something casual, and weeding out those who don't share similar intentions.

The breakdown:

Clear Communication:

Instead of beating around the bush, hardballers openly discuss their relationship goals, preferences, and what they're looking for in a partner.

Upfront Expectations:

They set clear boundaries and expectations early on, preventing misunderstandings and wasted time on dates that wouldn't lead to a serious relationship.

Purposeful Dating:

Hardballing aims to make dating more intentional and efficient, helping individuals find partners who align with their values and goals.

Not a Form of Manipulation:

While it involves being direct, hardballing is not about being manipulative or dismissive. It's about being honest and transparent about your needs and preferences.

Examples of hardballing in practice:

"I'm looking for something serious and long-term, so I'm not really interested in casual dating."

"I'm looking for a partner who is happy and single, so I'm not really interested in meeting someone who is a little bit of a mess."

Benefits of hardballing:

Time Savings: By being upfront, you can avoid wasting time on dates that don't align with your goals.

Clear Expectations: It reduces ambiguity and helps ensure both partners are on the same page.

Finding the Right Match: It helps you connect with people who are genuinely interested in the same type of relationship you are.

My personal opinion?

The world would be better off if more people adopted this strategy for dating and actually meant what they said.  Today’s landscape is filled with a bunch of broken and mangled people who erroneously believe that the solution to their issues resides within another person.  And so the search is on, because not only will they achieve nirvana status with this other person, but they will also get all their shit resolved because of their involvement with this new therapist, oh, shit, I mean dating partner.

There is this level in today’s world that people date to fix themselves.  I see it all the time, people who cannot hold down jobs, just find partners who can and will.  People who cannot financially support themselves, find others who are willing to allow them to live rent free in their homes.  People who have substance use and abuse problems are experts in finding someone to take care of them and clean up their messes.  It seems to me that a large segment of the dating pool is out their seeking someone to save them and then the next majority share is just a bunch of fucked up people quite content to stay as broken as they are, caring little to nothing about who they maim along the way.

If there is a healthy segment out there in the dating pool, I would have to say that the hardballs are likely the ones!  They are not playing games, they are not looking for a savior, a financier, a therapist or some unrealistic idea of what a partner should be (confidant, best friend, exceptional lover, father/mother to their children, provider).  That is a lot of roles to seek someone to fulfill and it is largely impossible.  No one can be all things to you at all times.  And trying to get ALL your needs met by just one person seems foolhardy at best, and impossible at worst.

Hardballers seems to have done the work on themselves to clear up their self esteem issues, to find out what exactly is going on with them, which provides clarity moving forward about what they want and what they expect.  While it might seem that a little of the chance and romance is bled out with the slice of directness, in today’s world where there are shifting motives, lots of online foul play and a great deal of uncertainty, hardballers take the guess work out of dating.

Now having said all of that, I think hardballers get a bad rap because of their upfront nature puts an end to all the game playing bullshit.  I mean, if you are in it for keeps, then why not own that at the beginning?

I think mostly because people don’t know what they want.   They want a committed, loving relationship but they are totally not sure they want it with you, or right this minute, or they want to see how it shakes out with their frontrunner date.  I mean, sometimes it is hard to know what exactly you want with the person standing in front of you that you met five minutes ago...

For me, it is fine to play the field, but own it.  If I have not told you that you are the only person I am talking to and seeing, then you are NOT the only person I am seeing or talking to.  And in my experience, I am not alone in this situation.  Most people in today’s world have quite the array of situationships going at any given time.  Engagements with people with varying levels of intimacy, proximity, intensity and clarity.

I admire the true believers and the hardballers who are capable of never wavering from their own stated goals and relational aspirations.  I tend to be more of a “well, I guess I will kick the tires for a minute on this one...”  Followed almost always by a “well, that was short lived and not worth the effort expended.”

I would love to know whether the hardballers have greater success than the rest of us with more flexible and permeable boundaries.  Perhaps putting out there from the get go what you want and them remaining steadfastly committed to that ideal is the way you find what you are looking for...I really couldn’t tell ya.

For me dating is about experience of new people.  I have to have some sort of attraction to the person I agree to go out with, but I don’t only date people who check all the boxes.  And that is because I waver greatly in my faith that someone who checks all the boxes actually exists.  In fact, on my harder days, I am not sure there is even another person I could stand for one whole month (or that could stand me for less time).

With age comes discernment, usually.  And with discernment comes a heightened understanding of yourself and what you like and what you don’t like.  The older I get, the more dealbreakers there are because I have done the work on me to know what is acceptable and what is not.  And I know who I am.  And not just the good parts.  The older I get, the more I am able to accept some of the life long shit that I just have, and despite years of effort and therapy, remains.  Better for sure, but the issues persists.

I have to say, I admire the hardballers approach and I am sure my dating life would be way more settled and boring if I were a hardballer.  I think, for me anyway, I am not sure what I want from you and with you until we get a little farther in...sure, I am looking for that magical unicorn person that lights me up and is similarly lit up by me...but time passes and no such person has arrived in my life.

Dating in today’s world seems to be a lot like watching a bunch of crows sit on a high voltage wire...there are lots of them, then randomly some fly off and are never seen again, some come back but only briefly, and some never leave the wire, just kind of hover in your periphery forever.  I have yet to meet the hardballer who is just up front, present and capable of sustaining an evolving intimacy...and I guess if I am honest, and continue my crow analogy, if one crow just sat there on the wire, intensely looking at me for days on end, it would likely unnerve me.  So, yes, I totally see that I am part of my own problem.

While I can’t quite bring myself to say that I aspire to be a hard baller, I will say that I believe they are setting the table for a different kind of relating that is more honest, authentic and upfront, removing a great deal of guesswork from the outset.  And I will totally get behind that!

Dating can be fun, invigorating and lead you to your ultimate goal of having someone to love that loves you back.  And I don’t think, with today’s current climate of ghosting, fire dooming, cat and kitten fishing, cushioning, love bombing, bread crumbing, zombeing and orbiting that we are ever gonna get there honing these particularly fucked up skills.

I think if you want a relationship, you should do the work on yourself so that when and if a worthwhile person arrives on your virtual doorstep, with flowers in hand and straightforward intentions and communication, you are not so jaded that you mistake a honest desire for any number of the fucked up things I just mentioned...

So be upfront from the get go, or at least early on.  Be who you say you are, own your defects and issues and for fuck’s sake, continue working on them!  Don’t just be some made up version of yourself to attract a mate, just be who you are and trust that the universe does a pretty magical job of bringing souls together...we are the ones that frustrate and fuck up that particular process.  I mean, hell, look at all the terms we have created just to explain behavior we experience on the daily!

So maybe you don’t need to be a hardballer, maybe you can just sit in your own truth and allow this intimacy with another to unfold, and be honest with yourself and the other person about what, if anything, this connection you share means to you.  And have enough discernment to realize when someone is putting you on, and then do not hide that truth from yourself.  A liar is never, ever going to tell you they are lying.  That is forever your sphere of responsibility, when you see the truth, believe it, even if every other fiber of your being wishes it to be different.

Take a hardball approach with yourself and perhaps a softer version is possible with others.  Stay true to you and what the other is or does or wants becomes far less important in the grand scheme of things.  When you are settled in who and what you are and want, it is a lot easier to communicate that to someone else, and hold your boundaries when this other person begins scaling your protective barriers.

We can practice all the dysfunctional dating disasters or we can get clear about what we want and then set the scene for a different kind of conversation...and we can hardball it or softball it, I think the most important work to be done, is that we get honest and clear with ourselves about what we are capable of, what we want and what we have to give. Once that work is done, it is a lot easier to move through the dating pool unbothered by all the attendant illness that abounds...and perhaps that is the best definition of hardballing: be upfront and somewhat brutal with yourself, and you afford yourself the ability to be softer, kinder, more authentic with others. There is nothing to prove and you are then free to enjoy whomever comes your way with ease and comfort and hopefully some fun. Dating is supposed to be fun, remember?