“Doesn’t mean that the damage never happened, but instead its control over your life has lessened...” Me.
That was my day yesterday. I spent the day with my son and daughter and we had a fantastic day! The past was still the past. But we showed up in our current selves and somehow managed to pull off a day with no drama, lots of laughter, silliness, good talks and lots of healing. The damage of the past controlled us less...
It was so good to hear my kids laughing together, not at each other or in a mean spirited way. We laughed hard and out loud often. All of us feeling that it was safe to enjoy the moment without the pall of negativity that used to shadow all we did.
My son has grown so much. He is older, wiser and really committed to a new way to live. He showed us that time and time again yesterday. I knew we were on better footing when my daughter chose to run off with him in a store rather than cling to my side. That hasn’t happened in so long. The two of them hanging together, away from me. She didn’t trust him and honestly didn’t want to be anywhere near him.
But yesterday a new door opened and we all walked through together. We all moved forward into whatever awaits us next and it was infinitely better than it was before.
Each of us in our own way, healed and healing. The past was there with every footfall but we all were not controlled by it, tethered to it and afraid of its reappearance. We all just stayed present and moved forward in spite of the past and all its attendant drama and trauma. We allowed it to remain in the before and that granted passage to a new now, which is the only way that there can ever be a different future.
I am so incredibly grateful. I was able to just show up, no expectations. My ego in check and not running the show. I was present and inhabiting my body. That allowed me to be open and to just be there while it all unfolded. And the result of that was an amazing day with my children. A day that hasn’t been possible for years. Seriously.
I love these two humans and I like them. They are funny, smart and a great deal of fun. It was so healing to just be there with them and allow it all to unfold, unscripted. I feel like I keep saying that...
For those of you who have children with issues, you know. You know what I mean. You know how hard family gatherings and time spent together can be and usually is. It may seem that I am making way more fuss about one day than is warranted. I assure you, I am not. Yesterday was nothing short of miraculous if you could have observed any one of the previous shitshows. Pick any day in the past few years and I could replay for you a lot of damage, drama and heartbreak. So one day going well, smoothly and without anyone yelling, crying or hating was a fucking amazingly good day.
I know people who spend their lives tethered to a past. And those pasts are never good ones. And somehow people end up feeling like they can’t move on, they can’t heal, and so their lives are just life long reactions to a past that was shitty to begin with...and perhaps that might be our fate too. But not if we keep going in the new direction we are headed.
I am so grateful for all of the work that I have done to heal my own issues and pain. I know that I would not have been able to show up and be the mother I was yesterday if I had not done a great deal of work. It was so good to show up as the me I am now rather than the person I used to be. I am grateful for the example I was able to set for my kids and that the damage the former me did was able to be forgiven and set aside for a new me to show up.
I am grateful for all the healing that took place yesterday for all of us. I feel like we put some sort of slow cooking roast to marinate yesterday, that will continue to cook, growing ever tastier in the weeks and months to come. And each of us need only attend to what we concocted together, each being responsible for their own part, but always conscious of how our own conduct hurts, inhibits, enlivens and grows in each other. (Weird metaphor for a vegetarian...I know).
The past did not control us yesterday. Instead there was a healing grace that was present and ran the day. It was the most lovely day I can remember having with my kids in a very long time. I am grateful, I am humbled and I am so very blessed. I had to walk through a great deal of fear to get here and so did they. But I am here to tell you that it was worth every tear, every heartache, every hurt feeling, every single minute I spent feeling sad, dejected, despondent and doomed.
Sometimes when you are willing to walk through the most terrifying shit, you find yourself in a lovely garden, surrounded by the most precious roses, and those tender blossoms are your children. And you have a new way to relate to them, to love them, to like them, to be with them. And the past recedes a little further and the future burns a little brighter. And I call that healing.