How Much Can I Take?

Well, that really depends on the day...

Some days, I can take a fuck ton, and then there are those other days when I feel paper thin and in dire peril of just ripping in two. Sometimes, those two me’s show up in the very same day.

But I am noticing something as I age, I just seem to have a shut off time.  Like there is a time, every day where I just can’t respond anymore.  Like I am just done with all the peopling and texting and being “on”.  I don’t want to respond anymore, I don’t want to text back, hell, I don’t even want to read my text messages at all.

I thought I was the only one, but one of my friends and I were talking yesterday and she feels the same way...she just gets to the point in her life, every day, where she is just done with social graces and wants to just be still, quiet and alone.

Amen.  Me too!

I am not sure if you can feel the slowing down of life, the need to spend more time inward, or at least quiet and still, but I feel it every day.  And this is kind of killing my thoughts about starting new things or doing more.  I know that I can do those things, I am just not sure I want to anymore...

Today I am feeling very overwhelmed by the demands of modern day living.  I feel like I just do not have the skills to keep it up anymore.  But I also know that feelings are not facts, and that I will, in fact, keep it up. But I have to honor the part of me that doesn’t want to...

Lately, everything that I do in a day to push myself forward, to stay in shape, to stay as young as I can just feels like a pointless chore.  Like who exactly do I think I am kidding?  Time is going to have its way with me, and there is so very little I can do about it, really.  I can continue to buy the lotions and potions and say the thing and do the things, but what in the end am I really gaining?  A lot of things to remember that I am never sure actually make any fucking difference at all.

I am leaving on vacation tomorrow and I am going to take some time to re-evaluate my life and how I am living it.  I get access to parts of myself when I am away from home that I do not have access to most other times just living my regular life.  I feel like I have these defaults set that don’t even support the life I want to live anymore...and I just keep feeding the meter so to speak.  I don’t even want to be parked here but I have the habit of feeding the meter like this spot is the best spot so I just keep doing it and I have no idea why...maybe how much I can take is directly related to how much willingness I have to feed the meter?

I feel the tick tock of time.  I see the way I live.  I see the things I want to accomplish.  And for the most part, my life is pretty perfect.  But I would be lying if I didn’t say that I am still in my way, still taking in way more than I can process or handle.  What I can take is not a good yard stick anymore.  I need a new measurement tool.  How much do I want?  No, that isn’t good either.  How much can I handle?  Just another version of how much I can take!  Perhaps the question I keep missing, is what do I need?  How much do I need?

I feel like I am on the verge of something, not completely sure if it is a breakthrough or a breakdown.  Both are welcome actually...both are harbingers of change and growth so I guess I really don’t care which one comes.  I just hope that whatever is coming, brings me a better feeling of solidarity with who I am and what I am supposed to be doing here in this life.  Am I supposed to grow it bigger?  Or am I supposed to shrink it smaller?  And how much time do I waste in my life responding to things when I really have nothing to say?

I know this doesn’t make any sense.  I am just doing my process of noticing that something is off, owning that I am a little lost, again, still and then being willing to sit in the uncomfortableness of not knowing what comes next.  What do I do with this uncomfortability?  Well, at least for today, nothing.  I just sit with it and trust the open road of tomorrow shall bring me answers to questions I haven’t even thought of yet...

And perhaps there will be a reckoning between how much I can take and what I really want.

Again, still...