How to Know If You Are Comfortable...

For me, when I am comfortable with someone, I behave like this:

I return to you.  Every time, without being asked. 

I make future plans that aren’t vague, with dates. 

I will tell you things that are softer, more intimate, like how I feel, what I am thinking and dreaming about, my most private hopes. 

I stop moving long enough to be still with you.  Which is quite rare. 

These are the ways I communicate my level of comfort with you.  If I can lie around, talking, sharing, dreaming with you, you have made it to my inner sanctum.

People show their level of comfort in different ways:

It could be a level of physical proximity that they avoid.

It could be a slowing down of energy and pace.

It could be a level of vulnerability they grant you access to.

They relax in your presence.

They feed you.

They let you into their home, their sanctuary.

They stop performing.

They stay.

They cry in front of you.

They are silly and vulnerable.

They share their insecurities.

They ask for help.

They allow the facade to slip.

They allow the image management to cease.

They stop looking for exits.

They start or stop teasing you.

They share their needs with you.

They laugh.

And we often miss it.  We are so consumed with our own thoughts and hearts and minds that we fail to realize that this other person is communicating with us in deep and meaningful ways...we just aren’t picking up the signals.  We aren’t attuned to this other person...

For intimacy to occur, there has to be a mutuality to it. You cannot have intimacy with another when one person is guarded and defensive and the other is just dying to let you in. This will cause a resist/refuse dynamic and will devolve into a toxic approximation of a healthy relationship...

I know that I am comfortable with a person when I am not looking for the exits.  I am willing to plan the next thing.  I am willing to be still and open.  And intimacy requires a level of comfortability before true intimacy can occur.

I think it is also helpful to ask questions.  Maybe not right outta the gate, but normalize inquisitiveness...wonder about the other person, and see if they wonder about you.  One of the best things about the beginning of any relationship, is the part where you are learning, and this is a lifetime process if we do it correctly.  We will never know everything there is to know about another person.  And I think the best relationships are successful at keeping that curiosity and interest in the foreground.  You are attuned to the way the person’s face changes, what they say or what they didn’t say, and are brave enough to ask a question about it.  And then really listen for the answer.

I am most comfortable alone.  I crave my own company, but I have to admit that sometimes that is because I just don’t know how to be comfortable with others.  There are certain people in my life that I feel supremely comfortable with...and I love their companionship. Then there are others that I have to limit contact because a prolonged exposure to them disrupts my internal regulation...

If I ever invite you over to my house to hang out and do the things I do by myself, you will know that I have a level of comfort with you.  It may not be all that interesting to you to be invited over to lay in the sun or do yard work, but this is where I feel most at home, at ease and happy.  So if I invite you over to enjoy these things with me, it is because you are that close to me...hell, if I invite you into my home at all, you have made it farther than most.  My home is my sanctuary and I am so very careful about what comes in and what remains. It is the basis for everything in my life...and I treat it with a reverence  that demonstrates the value I place on having, not just a home, but a place where I feel at peace and safe.

So if you are engaging with others, ask yourself the question, “Am I comfortable?”  Then perhaps run through the list above with you in mind and then the other person.  I think you will come to find also that comfort is the precursor to intimacy.  Intimacy can never land in a relationship that breeds discomfort...

Again, still...