Cycles...

We all have them.  They are defaults that operate when we are stressed, bored, over stimulated, fearful, or perhaps just alive.

My cycle is as follows:

Get excited

Commit

Get Bored

Disappear

Not the best cycle for relationships...I see that.

But it is exactly what I do!

I am forever the optimist which is often not tethered to reality.  And so I get excited about a lot of things and commit, but whatever it is I have committed to is often not resolved quickly enough or with enough excitement to keep me interested, so I get bored and then I am just gone.

I am this way with projects, relationships, clothing, food, new routines.  Who am I kidding?  I am pretty much like this with everything.

Having the knowledge that I am this way, helps, a little.  But it doesn’t really help me change it at all.  Believe me, I have tried.  The only real progress I have made is to see and realize that not everything I get excited about should be entertained.  I can literally be all gassed up about something then 20 minutes later, have absolutely no interest in the subject matter, person, event or thing.  See the issue?

The only thing that has somewhat worked is to slow down the part of the cycle between excitement and commitment.  That is the place where it picks up speed.  Now, when I get all excited about something or someone, I have to have a little chat with myself:

CYCLING ME:

“THIS IS SO EXCITING!  I CAN’T WAIT TO...”

THE PART OF ME THAT DOESN’T WANT TO DO THE CYCLE AGAIN:

“Hold on, you were just excited about something else, less than five minutes ago...”

CYCLING ME:

“BUT, COME ON, THIS IS GOING TO BE SO EPIC!”

THE PART OF ME THAT DOESN’T WANT TO DO THE CYCLE AGAIN:

“This is what you ALWAYS think and say, then in just a very little while, you are going to commit and then you are going to be bored and off to the races about something else...”

CYCLING ME:

“NO, NOT THIS TIME!  THIS TIME IT IS GOING TO BE DIFFERENT!”

THE PART OF ME THAT DOESN’T WANT TO DO THE CYCLE AGAIN:

“Oh really, what about the whole wall debacle, or the last time you online dated, or the cleaning project, or that writing course, or that commitment you made to that meditation group...”

CYCLING ME:

“Well, I mean, yes, I did commit to all of those then get bored...”

THE PART OF ME THAT DOESN’T WANT TO DO THE CYCLE AGAIN:

“And then??”

CYCLING ME:

“Then I disappeared...”

THE PART OF ME THAT DOESN’T WANT TO DO THE CYCLE AGAIN:

“Yep, every single time!”

CYCLING ME:

“Fuck...”

THE PART OF ME THAT DOESN’T WANT TO DO THE CYCLE AGAIN:

“Why don’t we just remain in this excitement part and not DO anything about it, let’s not commit and see where we are in a week or two?”

CYCLING ME:

“But then I won’t be interested anymore!”

THE PART OF ME THAT DOESN’T WANT TO DO THE CYCLE AGAIN:

“EXACTLY!  THAT IS MY WHOLE FUCKING POINT!”

CYCLING ME:

“Oh, yeah, I guess I get it now...”

And even when I do, I sometimes, do not have the self control to stop the rest of the cycle from playing out even though I KNOW how it is going to end.  There is something of value I get about repeating the pattern even though it burns up my energy foolishly...

I do not believe anymore I can remove the pattern from my life, just work with it as illustrated above...

Somethings I will make great progress, and then there are other things, where I absolutely will not.  I will be all the way done with the cycle before I even realized it was operative In the first place.  That is just life and living for me, I guess.

What is your cycle?  And how do you deal with it?

I may never be able to change mine but I would love to hear about yours.

Meanwhile I will be over here holding myself down and back from flying off into committing to a whole bunch of shit that I will never see through...

Again, still...