Men, Are You Listening?

So, weird thing happened yesterday.  I had a date, I know, no that is NOT the weird thing.  I mean, kind of, it has been a minute.  I digress...

Anyway, this was a dude who connected with me on Facebook.  He messaged me and then we began a conversation which led to an actual conversation which led to the scheduling of a date, yesterday.

He was largely in charge of planning said date.  And I appreciated that.  It was nice to have someone care enough to plan something rather than just do the usual thing.  But things began to unravel, quickly when I asked where he wanted to meet.

Now I am not an overly safety conscious person.  In fact,  most people who know me, would say that I am reckless.  And fuck knows I have been reckless where men are concerned.  In the early 2000s I left the country with a man I had never met in person before and went backpacking in Mexico for a week.  I mean, I am a risk taker and I like risk takers.  Not death defying shit, but reckless. For the most part, I have played it how I feel it.  I am a big vibe person, I can decide I don’t like you and never want to see you again as you pass me in the grocery store.  People either tune me in or shut me down, there really aren’t a lot of people who don’t charge me one way or another.

Anyway, he had this idea, that he did not discuss with me or consult me, that he wanted to pick me up in his convertible.  Now, everyone knows I love convertibles, I also have one so the allure was a bit lost on me, I mean, I have the top down all the time, not so special, but I get he didn't know that. And he was pretty intent on his ideas he planned about our date.  So he wanted me to park in a parking lot and then he would drive us to the date location.  And for some reason I can’t completely explain, I didn’t want to do that.  I didn’t want to get into this man’s car and go with him anywhere.  I don’t know why, he gave off no serial killer vibes but I just didn’t want to...

Now if this was two years ago, I would have just done what he wanted.  Too afraid to speak up, too worried that I would blow my “chance.”  Which would have set a stage for a horrible relationship where I was fundamentally dishonest about how I felt because I didn't speak up from the word go.  I have done the work over the past two years to see that the first lie has always been mine.  I agree to something that I really don’t agree to, and thus begins a long standing pattern that leads both of us to Splitsville.

Well I am not that woman anymore.  No more lying about what I want, you may not like it, and that is fine but I am not going to pull anymore punches or say things just to be nice and polite.  I am over what that got me, and now will just call them like I feel them.

So I said, “yeah, I haven’t even met you yet, so I don’t want to do that and would prefer to meet ya there...”

To which he replied with several texts explaining to me that was not what he wanted, that the ride was part of the date he planned and it would be fine, he had never lied to me right?  And then he made a poorly timed joke that involved an axe...

Ok, so this portion of the blog will now become a PSA for men everywhere.  When a woman brings up a safety concern with you the ONLY acceptable response to that is, “ok.”  Do NOT try to jolly us out of our feelings, tell us we have nothing to worry about, minimize, distract, cajole or otherwise attempt to tell us that our just stated safety concern isn’t valid.  You may succeed in getting us on the date, but we already don’t trust you and make a mental note of how you just dismissed our feelings and we hadn’t even been on a fucking date yet!

Yes she might be oversensitive but there Is likely a good reason for that. Do you know that I don't a single woman, not one single woman that hasn't been made to feel unsafe and/or uncomfortable by a man's conduct towards her? NOT ONE FUCKING WOMAN! And don't even get me started on the girls I know. 

She might have trauma that you just triggered.  She might be wildly neurotic or overly fearful.  BUT WHEN YOU ARE THE APEX PREDATOR THE ONLY THING YOU CAN DO IN THIS SITUATION IS ACCEPT THAT THIS WOMAN, DEFYING ALL SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE STANDARDS, JUST TOLD YOU THAT SHE WAS UNCOMFORTABLE. AND YOUR ONLY JOB NOW IS TO ACCEPT THE BOUNDARY THAT SHE SET.  YOU DON’T HAVE TO LIKE IT, YOU CAN EVEN CANCEL THE FUCKING DATE BUT WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT ATTEMPT TO MINIMIZE HER CONCERNS. YOU WILL LIKELY FIND, AS MY DATE DID YESTERDAY, THAT THE RESULTS OF FAILING TO JUST SAY OK, IS THE END OF THE BEGINNING.

I will spare you the blow by blow of what transpired next but he attempted to recover but the time had already passed.  The only thing he could do in the situation was to accept my boundary about not wanting to get into a car with him.  But he didn’t, he sailed right on past that and pushed his agenda and plans, which he then tried to guise into some sort of explanation about his intentions.  It was too late for me.  The fact that he didn’t immediately accept my feelings and wishes as valid and a hard stop, ended all interest I may have had in him.  Yep, it is just that bright of a line.  Again, men, there is no wiggle room when one date can be the end of us.  I get that you don’t get it.  I really do.  And I don’t expect you to like it, understand it or ever get it.  It isn’t for you to get, it is just for you to accept...the first time we raise it.

He then said a whole bunch of other things which only made it worse.  Told me that he would forgive me...WHAT THE FUCK DID I NEED TO BE FORGIVEN FOR?????????  Setting a boundary that he failed to respect?  I am sorry, I am never going to apologize for that.  EVER!  

Needless to say, I didn’t go and didn’t respond.  There is nothing left to be said.  He just doesn’t get it and I am all done giving men that I have to explain this to an audience with me.

I am not mad.  I don’t hate him, or men in general, but I am all done in participating in the lie that men can just live their lives and we accommodate them and all their privileged beliefs because believe me when I say walking to your car at night and not having to look all around you constantly is a fucking privilege.  I was watching a show the other day and the interviewer said, to a room full of women, if you were a man for a day what is the first thing you would do?”  And one woman yelled out immediately and without restraint, “walk around all night long in the city...”  And it took the male interviewer a minute to catch what she meant.  She meant walk around in the world all night long without being harassed, placed in fear of imminent bodily harm and death or being kidnapped.

This isn’t one woman’s oversensitivity it is every woman’s reality.  We make one fucking mistake and it can be the end of our lives.  And honestly, the mistake we make most often is who we date, sleep with or marry!  Everyone knows that when a woman is killed or goes missing, it is most often the man in her life that caused her death or disappearance.  Yet we women are supposed to live in this duality of existence where we only treat the men that are dangerous that way, and let all of the rest of you have a fucking pass!  BUT HOW THE FUCK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO KNOW, ESPECIALLY ON THE FIRST FUCKING DATE???????

I knew someone once that called Dateline, “The Men who Kill Their Wives” show.  Because that is pretty much what every single fucking episode is about.  Every. Single. One.  But we women are just supposed to front you random men, we have never met, this idea of safety when you have done absolutely nothing to earn said idea.  And please understand that when you blow past our very clear and hard outlined boundary, that is always going to be a giant fucking red flag.  Which, after reading this, I hope more women cancel that first date and just let the guy move the fuck on to the next person.  

But I wrote this blog today because I think this needs to be talked about.  This is not a him and me issue.  I think he is probably a very nice guy.  He didn’t intend to cause all of this.  But he did nevertheless.  And I didn’t further respond to his text messages because he continued to show me that he just didn’t get it.  And reading this, if he does, he may not still get it. He may comfort himself with statements like, “wow, she is a crazy bitch, dodged a bullet there!”  Or “what the fuck is her trauma?”  Or my personal favorite, “what a cunt!”

Why is this so often men’s reaction to a woman setting a safety boundary?  Why do men get so incensed about us telling them, nicely, that we need something different than what you are offering so that WE CAN FEEL SAFE AND ENJOY THE FUCKING DATE INSTEAD OF BEING WORRIED THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME THAT WE ARE GOING TO DIE????

And if you are thinking I am being overly dramatic, FUCK YOU.  YEP, JUST FUCK YOU.  If you haven’t have to live your entire life being worried about your physical safety every moment of every fucking day, then I don’t want to hear it from you.  Like ever.

And I would also like to say that SOME men are getting it. They are not going to the place where they decide we are crazy or histrionic or whatthefuckever.  There are some men that are doing the absolutely insane thing of actually listening to us and just accepting it.  They take on that they have some part in the whole safety discussion and therefore bear some responsibility in helping us women to feel safe by being fucking safe.

Truth be told, I have no interest in a man I have to explain this to.  If you have reached your 50s and haven’t figured this out yet, then I can’t help you and I really don’t want to fucking date you.

As for my dismissed date yesterday, I am sure he is scratching his head wondering what the fuck just happened...and I hope he goes back and reads the text messages carefully.  And understands, like really fucking gets it, that his fatal error came when I stated I wasn’t comfortable with the car ride and he pushed back. It was over for me right then.  The fact that he didn’t say, “of course!” Ended any chance he had with me.  And I really hope he isn’t in that infantile manosphere of demonizing my behavior and relegating what happened between us to “she is a crazy fucking cunt!” 

I hope instead, he reflects and sees where it all went so very wrong and can own his part in the whole debacle.  And the next time he has a date and the woman raises a safety concern, he can show that he is the safe man he likely is by just accepting her boundary and not attempting to argue with her about it.  That he can let go of his fucking ideas and agenda long enough to see that every date we accept, every single one we go on has the potential, and sometimes a real likelihood, that it will be the end of us.  And that isn’t just some ridiculous fantasy we women have, it is fact.  And the men that kill us, rape us and defile us are most often men we know and trust.  Men we are fucking married to!  So, no, it isn’t easy to tell and we women are going to have to see a lot more of you and how you show up before we get into your car and allow you to drive us to some park somewhere.  You do know that is where Ted Bundy got most of his victims, in a park, in his car, right???

Women, it is our job to not let the safety concern slide because we don’t want to offend men.  Fucking offend the hell out of them!  It is our lives we are playing with!

Men, it is YOUR job to understand where we are coming from and why. And to think about this when planning things and accepting that we are not being overly sensitive and dramatic.  We are taking care of ourselves and are standing within our truth, reality and advocacy for ourselves.  And if you don’t like it, we don’t fucking care.  

I do not want to have to educate men this way. If you haven’t gotten this by now, you likely either don’t care or aren’t interested in making the women in your lives feel safe.  So I will not date you to inform you of such things, instead I will write long winded, audacious blogs about it in the hopes that everyone can gain a little more understanding about women and safety and dating and important shit like that.

And to my date, I am not sorry and I don’t need to be forgiven for anything.  Can you see now that your commentary only made it worse?  I hope you do better with the next woman because I really don’t believe you are a bad man, ill informed and agenda pushing, but not a bad man.  But hey, here is a newsflash, we don’t want to date ill informed, agenda pushing men.  We want men that are evolved and safe.  And we will not settle for less, most especially on the first fucking date.

We do teach people how to treat us.  And it starts right where it all unraveled yesterday.  I am not sorry and I do not need to be forgiven, at least for my part in yesterday’s clusterfuck of dating drama. Perhaps I need to be forgiven for many, many other things but I am all done with doing something that doesn’t feel right to me all so I don’t offend your precious ego. I am so sick of having to explain this basic Idea that should be a no brainer...that If a woman doesn't feel safe, THAT IS NOT A HER PROBLEM, IT IS AN US PROBLEM! For fuck's sake, can we please elevate our engagement???

All I can say to the universe is NEXT!

Again, still...

I hope I made you think, all of you...