What Crushes Teach Us...

I think they introduce us to parts of ourselves that we don’t know yet, or parts that have gotten lost in the shuffle...

One of the best things about going to the gym, besides feeling more comfortable in your own skin and body, is the ability to observe other people from a distance and develop ideas about them and yourself, without the need for something to actually happen.

When we were in school, you would see someone in the hall or in a class and you were able to fantasize about them and their life and how your life might intersect with theirs.  It didn’t always happen, that intersection.  Sometimes you just adored them from afar and that was the end of it.  

Sometimes, it might have been the beginning of something hot and sexy, meaningful and lasting.  But more often, a crush is just something you feel and experience and the object of your affection never even fucking knows...

I have had a couple of gym crushes over the years.  And for the most part, none of them have ever even known.  And the one that did develop into more was fucking amazing...even if it was brief and fleeting.  I am grateful, so fucking grateful for THAT particular experience and encounter.

But I think we could all use a little more helpful fantasy in our lives.  Stuff that is disconnected from screens and the internet.  And the gym is a great place to conjure up a crush. 

To be clear, there are many other places that are great also...it can be anywhere you frequent:  the grocery store, on a trail, the gas station, dry cleaners.  Where the fuck ever!

What is the best part about crushing is to notice how it changes you.  It isn’t about obtaining the object of your desire...it is about who you become in the process.  All the things you learn about yourself when you match yourself up with this other real but fantasy version of the other person.  We can learn so much from that.  

What does the crush bring out of you?  

Who do you become because of your interest and intrigue about this other person?

It is sometimes easy to get it confused that the person you become is because of this other person.  But that is not the point, the point is that they are the catalyst for YOUR change.  And they need only remain an idea, a hope, a wish, a desire...they never have to develop into something more or different or anything at all.

There are so many things in my life that give me greater access to myself:

Travel

Road trips

Meditation

Writing

Reading

Crushing

And I plan to utilize as many as I can for as long as I can...because I want to come to know and experience myself better.  I mean, isn’t that what living is all about anyway?  Coming into your own so that you can be of service to others, to be present so much in your own life that it positively impacts the lives of those about you?

So indulge the crush.

Engage the fantasy.

Pay no mind whatsoever that you are responsible for making the fantasy become a reality...instead, relish the engagement, the ideas, the person you become, the person that is born because of the attachment, the engagement, the showing up.

I think crushes are fascinating because they often teach us more about ourselves than they do about the person we're crushing on.

A crush is a strange combination of attraction, imagination, possibility, and projection. Sometimes we're falling for a person. Sometimes we're falling for the way we feel about ourselves when that person is around.

And sometimes we're falling for a life we imagine we could have.

What crushes teach us:

1. They remind us that we're still capable of feeling excited.

Especially as we get older, after heartbreak, divorce, disappointment, or years of being responsible adults, a crush can awaken something we thought had gone dormant. Butterflies. Anticipation. Curiosity. That delicious little feeling of possibility.

A crush reminds us that we are still alive to desire.

2. They reveal what we're longing for.

Sometimes the person isn't even the point. Maybe we're attracted to their confidence, freedom, intelligence, humor, adventurousness, or emotional availability.

The question becomes: Am I attracted to this person, or to something they represent that I want more of in my own life?

3. They expose the stories we invent.

We can build an entire relationship in our heads based on three conversations, a lingering glance, and a well-timed text.

Crushes reveal how quickly our imaginations fill in the blanks.

And here's the uncomfortable part: Sometimes we fall in love with the blanks.

4. They teach us the difference between chemistry and compatibility.

Someone can make your stomach flip and still be completely wrong for you.

Attraction is information. It isn't necessarily instruction.

You can feel something intensely without needing to do anything about it.

5. They show us where we still seek validation.

Do we like the person, or do we desperately want them to like us?

Are we interested in knowing them, or are we interested in being chosen?

There's a significant difference between I want you and I want you to want me.

6. They invite us to practice uncertainty.

A crush exists in that deliciously uncomfortable space between knowing and not knowing.

Will they call? Are they interested? Did that look mean something?

A crush can teach us to enjoy possibility without demanding certainty, and to resist turning every interaction into evidence.

7. They remind us that desire doesn't have to become attachment.

Not every attraction needs to become a relationship. Not every spark needs to become a fire.

Sometimes a crush can simply be a lovely little interruption in an otherwise ordinary Tuesday.

And that's enough.

8. They show us who we are becoming.

I find this one particularly interesting.

The people we're attracted to at 25 may be very different from the people we're attracted to at 57.  Or not.  Maybe we are still attracted to exactly what we were at 25 at 57!  Maybe we don’t want to fall in love with that 25 year old, but fuck if we don’t desire them, appreciate them and want them.

Our crushes can reflect our evolving values, our healing, our confidence, and our changing definitions of love.

Sometimes the biggest revelation isn't that we have a crush on someone new. It's that we no longer have a crush on the kind of person who once would have consumed us.

The bigger lesson, I think and the most interesting thing about a crush is that it can be both completely irrational and incredibly revealing.

It can mean absolutely nothing about our future and quite a lot about our present.

It can remind us that we're playful, sexual, curious, hopeful, ridiculous, vulnerable, and wonderfully human.

And perhaps the best lesson of all is this:

We can enjoy wanting someone without losing ourselves in the wanting.

That's a pretty wonderful place to arrive.

Maybe crushes aren't always about finding someone to love. Maybe sometimes they're about discovering parts of ourselves that are still waiting to be awakened, healed, loved, wanted, desired and sometimes, achieved...

Again, still...