I Attract...

I have been learning this lesson for years...31 to be exact.  I used to recruit, that was how I went through life.  If I was doing something cool, I thought you should want to do it too. The fact that you didn’t was something for me to change.  It is so odd that I moved through life like this for 25 years and never even questioned why my living methodology was to change other people more to my liking.  It never occurred to me how arrogant that is...  

Back then I really needed to recruit people to me.  Or at least I felt I did.  Maybe I didn’t and I was just delusional.  Maybe it was just me being fucked up.  But I did feel like I needed to manage your feelings, your actions and all of that was targeted to get you to want me, like me, approve of me, make my existence MEAN something.

Today things are different, because I am different.

Somehow the intervening 31 years have changed me into a person who is no longer willing to just allow anyone into my life, I have to want you here, and you have to want to be here.  

I remember when I was like 6 years sober I got this fortune cookie and the message inside read, “when it is right you will both know...” And for most of you, that is probably a “duh!” revelation.  But for me at the time, I was like, “oh yeah!  Both the dude and I have to want this!”  As embarrassing as this is to admit, I didn’t really get that until that very minute...I had operated on the “if I know, then my job is to wear you down until you submit...then once you do, leave.”  I know, I know, that is FUCKED UP!  But it is how I operated.  I only wanted what I couldn’t have and if I got what I wanted, I immediately started to want something else.

This was a very painful way to live for all involved.  But I have changed.

I saw that perhaps I had some healing to do.  My vibrational energy was low, and needed to be elevated.  I needed to make some hard changes about the way I approached life and living. It has taken me the last 31 years but I no longer feel like it is my job to wear you down, convince you of anything or even really want.  I have become a person who trusts that all that is meant for me, will come for me and all that isn’t meant for me will pass me by...

My job is to clear up my internal thoughts, ideas and messages so that I can live pretty happy, joyous and free.  The universe will do the rest.  I mean, who doesn’t want to be around someone who for the most part is happy, content and living a life of purpose and love every day?  Turns out, quite a few people!  HA!

Anyway I stopped all the wanting, pining and recruiting.  I just kept signing up the same kinds of people over and over again who treated me poorly, didn’t value me and made me quite miserable.  I saw that my whole engagement in this process was flawed and dysfunctional.  I would love to tell you that I saw this pattern in my life and systematically changed it.  But no, that is not how it went.  I was unhappy in one relationship and made one change and the universe got the message that now was a good time to wholesale rid my life of those kinds of people.  I was unprepared for that particular fall out but I didn’t fight it after a little while.  I just watched all those people be evaporated from my life and felt the void but then filled it with better people, kinder people, more loving and less narcissistic people.

Today, you may not want my life, and that is fine.  But I no longer feel the need to convince you that I am ok, or that you want what I have.  I am just here, living the best life I can and trust that if you have something to teach me, you shall arrive in some way in my life.  And if you don’t, then you will not.  I am following the same thing regarding dating.  I am not actively doing anything, I figure that if God wants me to date, he will send them my way, if not, then I am quite content to enjoy my life without all that particular hullabaloo! (Such a funny word!)

I believe today, I can attract by taking a daily inventory about my own spiritual condition and making adjustments.  And the universe will do the rest.  Those that are meant for me shall never pass me by.  My job is simply to live to the best of my ability and to trust that the universe will take care of the rest.  And I am so grateful for my shoulders to relax into a place where shoulders should be...and that I am no longer responsible for MAKING SHIT HAPPEN.  I have a part, but I don’t need to figure it all out, life isn’t a game of chess that needs to be planned and strategized until death.  Life can simply be some lovely unfolding, one minute into another, day after day...

Again, still...