Independence Day...

I have mixed feelings about this day, this year.  I actually was kind of happier on July 1st, celebrating Canada Day.  If the truth must be known.

I still love my country.  I am still grateful to have been raised here and for the freedoms I have enjoyed.  My son graduated from boot camp yesterday for our Navy.  My dad served in our Army for his entire career, and my ex-husband served in our Navy for about the same amount of time.  And now, my son serves our country.

I do not understand the country we live in today.  I really do not.  I do not understand people so rageful they would set a fire and lure firefighters to the scene only to take them out with sniper fire.  I hope to God that I never fucking understand that.  

I do not understand our government right now.  And I do not want to do that either.  I don’t give two fucks about politics, I care about people.  And what I see, regardless of the underlying reasons, is a wholesale abandonment of kindness and concern for our fellows.  It makes me sick, honestly.

It is fitting that I am in Canada today.  I am glad I am not home.  It doesn’t really feel like home today.  I am at odds with how things are and I cannot seem to make sense of any of it.  I try to comfort myself with talk of freedom, and that my freedom to live as I see fit, should not impact negatively the freedom of others, but today it feels like there is just a wholesale war on common sense, compassion and kindness.

I certainly do not like a great number of things in this life.  I like a great number of people even less.  But I would not ever go out of my way to legislate them into camps, death and deportation.  I believe it is my responsibility in this life to rise above my lesser nature. I am not sure where that call to action got so very lost.

My hope buoys every once in awhile because there has been many a dark day for our country.  Many, many dark days.  But we have persevered with some forward progress.  We have evolved.  And I get everyone is tired.  Evolving is hard work and takes a lot out of you.  But I feel like we as a country have just given up.  The lunatic fringe has become the norm and now it is just a Sideshow Bob kind of scene every single day.

I have outlived my ability to understand the world I live in.  And I am not even all that old yet.  I just don’t get where we are, how we got here and how this all resolves.  I want to tell you I have faith in our ability to heal, to come together as Americans, but that belief is strained to the point of snapping lately.

Largely, I just try to stay out of the way and avoid the news.  It isn’t a completely functional way to live, but it doesn’t make my nervous system jangle like a live wire.  I don’t know what to do so I just withdraw which I absolutely know is part of the problem...

I guess what I want to say on this day of our country’s birth is that I attempt to love everyone, whether I agree with you or not, whether we see eye to eye or we don’t.  I do not want to take away your rights, your safety, your ability to access healthcare, your ability to worship as you choose, your ability to provide for your family.  I do not want to hurt you, in any way, ever.  I want you to have the freedoms I enjoy and vice versa.

So this year, on our Independence Day, I am going to celebrate my independence because I am not sure how much longer we are going to have those inalienable rights.  I am not sure next year this time, I am going to be free at all. I live in a world I do not understand and most of the time do not like.

The best I got this year is that I am grateful for all the years that came before when I believed that a great number of us believed in truth, justice and the American way.  I will celebrate the fact that we have been through hard, life fucking things before and we have survived them.  I do believe it has come to this again.  And I wake every day with the realization that tomorrow does not hold the promise of freedom for all of us.  And I really do believe that none of us are free so long as even one of us remains chained.

Sigh.

Happy Birthday America.  I pray that you can rise above the current fray and grace us with more certain, loving times.

Again, still...

Please.