Insignificance...

Turns out that, for me, is where the peace is.

I do not find peace in a room full of people who love me, or claim to. I do not find it in accomplishment or goals achieved.  For me, peace is always found standing on the side of a mountain, being awed by nature and all its glory.  When I see the sheer cliffs, steep walls, rolling hills covered in trees that reach for the sky, I feel insignificant.  I feel like I am just this tiny spec of life, this tiny part of this much bigger thing that is going on, and instead of feeling like I do not belong, I finally feel like I actually do belong.  And my part in this whole living endeavor is pretty insignificant in the grander scheme of things.

This is NOT to say that my life doesn’t matter.  That I do not matter.  In fact, when I see my tiny role in the wide open natural world, I see how very much what I do with my life matters more, not less.  I mean, I may not have the ability to push myself and my life to the center stage, but I really don’t want that anyway.  I zoom out and see that my life is this tiny part of this much larger whole that I get to be a part of, and I only ever realize that when I stand in the momentous natural world and see just how insignificant I am.

And it is within this insignificance that I see how very much my problems, issues, pain, losses and wants are insignificant also.  My life is not going to change the course of a stream, or a mountain side.  But just like that one random tree or rock, although I am insignificant on a more global level, I do have a part to play and the space I occupy is mine and that space absolutely is a part of this much larger plan and design.

I guess I need this gigantic view to see that my issues and problems are really not so bad.  To zoom out to this larger view where I am here, doing my life, and that is also part of this larger design.  Nothing is here by accident, including me.  And it is just a part of life to struggle, and I find that struggle in everything I see reflected in the natural world.  It helps me immensely to see the view from out there, to have that rekindle in me, this idea that everything is fine.  The world is still spinning, the trees and flowers are still growing, the mountains are still there standing still, or so it appears.  The waters still flow as they have for, well, ever.

It is only through my access to feeling insignificant that I can feel a part of everything else.  And once I feel included, no matter how small my role may be, I gain immediate and full access to this divine peace.  I cannot find it on a city street.  I cannot find it surrounded by throngs of people. I can only find access, the doorway to it, when I stand very still in the natural world and see just how tiny I am in relation to everything else.

As with so many things I have learned in this life, it is through my own insignificance, that I find my rightful place within this much larger system, life, living, being endeavor.

Again, still...