Intensity vs. Intimacy...

Intensity might be considered how quickly something feels deep.  And intimacy how slowly something becomes safe.

I am not sure about any of you, but I have mixed these two fuckers up for a long time.  What I wanted was intimacy, what I settled for was intensity.  And to be clear, I am not even sure I knew the difference.  Or that there was a difference.  Or that I wanted the later but always accepted the former.  In short, this is a newer thought process for me.

I think I have been perpetually stuck in intensity for the whole of my life. Thinking that because things moved fast and felt like they were deep that I was on my way to intimacy.  WRONG!  I usually was on my way to another debacle.  Another shitshow.  Another dumpster fire.  The intensity masked the lack of true depth or safety that could be found with this other person.

I know now that intimacy is something that is grown over time.  It is not something you can order up any time you feel like it. It requires patience and attention and the passing of lots of time together.  The intensity of a new relationship feels great, except when it comes to a boil and the cools.  That doesn’t feel great at all.  And it doesn’t really matter if you are the one that has cooled off...it feels shitty either way.  I have been so “hot” for someone and then I have one thought to the contrary and I am like, “well that was fun and now it is over!”  And off I go.

I can see now that my misunderstanding and misapplication of the above definitions has led me to a place of confusion, misery and loss.  It is so fucking clear, NOW.  Wish I would have known this important distinction about 30 years ago.  Would have saved me and several others a great deal of heartbreak and issue.  But we get our lessons in God’s time, not our own.

I think it is also important to underscore that intensity doesn’t bring actual depth just the feeling of it.  And having it and feeling like you might have it in the future are two very different things!  And I can see that intimacy requires time and attention and a slower pace to survive the after burn.

And then there is the whole safety thing.  I was always seeking it but I kept confusing it with something else.  Or granting a person the moniker of being safe, who was totally not fucking safe.  People are not safe because we want them to be.  No, they are only safe if they want to be and have done the work to work out their shit to make themselves safe.

And fuck, I have done a lot of work but I am still not sure I am safe.  And I am at a place in my life where I am not sure I will ever be safe. I am gonna keep working at it but I am not really sure at all.  I was talking to a friend yesterday and she agreed with me, that me finding a partner would be hard and unlikely. And while the confirmation hurt a little, I couldn’t fault her for seeing what I see also.

I am still not sure what to do with the desire to partner and the complete inability to actually do it.  I am not sure where to go from here.  I guess I just keep doing my own work and if I am supposed to partner up again, then I will.  It really isn’t up to me, God knows I have tried to force solutions and that has been an unmitigated disaster, repeatedly.

I do think I have finally learned that I must have a slower pace.  If I do not have a slower pace, I am all in intensity and that particular fire will burn out long before any intimacy can actually grow.  I do know this. Now.  And I also know that when things are heated and fast moving, I am totally not safe and neither are you.  So easy to gloss over any coming issues, problems and incongruities.  Intensity and swiftness absolutely cure you of any time to consider what you are doing. You are just caught up in it, aren’t you?

I guess if I am really honest, I have always hoped for safety but got bored before I ever found it.  Instead content to live my life on a far more exciting edge of intensity, fast paced loving and living and quick fires that burn brightly but only briefly.  Then I have always been ready to move on.

I don’t like this about me.  But I also feel somewhat powerless to change it.  If I don’t feel the intensity, I am likely not going to bother.  And so I will never get to the safe place I so desire.  It is hard when you see your own dysfunction and are stymied.

I have no solutions here.  I just have questions and a great deal of frustration with myself, about myself.  I will keep going and working on it but I will also own that sometimes being who you are isn’t all that much fun. There are times, not often, but some times when you really wished you had skills that you just don’t.  And any time I think of relationshiping, I am faced with all the skills I totally fucking lack. Again, still...

I have always been a fool for the feeling of depth and never all that willing to do the work towards finding safety.  I know I am my own worst enemy here.  I know it. And I feel quite powerless to change it.  But I keep trying which is both one of the best things about me and also feels like a complete waste of time!

Again, still...