Personal Truths...

I am not sure about you, but I grew up believing that my personal truth was something I needed to hide, at all costs.  I couldn’t be myself, that was so woefully inadequate.  I wrote the other day about lying and that was a huge part of keeping my personal truth hidden.  I lied to fit in.  If I was really me, I kinda didn’t fit in.  And I know that fitting in is essential to survival.  And when you are a teen that is probably the hardest thing, you either capitulate and do the things that everyone else does, or you are an outcast and the other teens make it very hard for you.

Junior high was hard.  I tried to fit in, but I just kept getting it wrong.  By high school, I figured it out and found a way to blend.  But that involved a great deal of lying and drinking.  I mean, I think if I would have started drinking in junior high I would have had a much easier time.  I definitely could have used a drink every day before I got on that fucking bus.  It was hell.  I felt inadequate all the time and then was told that I was by people who were supposed to be friends...terrible fucking time.

I learned early to have a public persona and then who I really was.  And my sole task in this life, was to keep you away from that private person.  I mean there were a few early on who I tried to be me, but there was always a wall up.  A terror of being “found” out, even though who I really was, wasn’t all that bad.

I learned that my own personal truth was not acceptable to others.  Me being me was something that required image management and lying.  It took a very long time to realize that as hard as it was to not fit in, it was worse to actually fit in. Nothing like being surrounded by a whole bunch of people who were your best mates, only to feel completely and totally alone.

I think we are rewarded for lying a lot, with acceptance, with friends, with things to be invited to, with attention and sex, with laughter.  There are a lot of perks to being on the inside of a social circle.  And personal truths were just not a part of that social experience for me early on.  In fact, it has taken a very long time to get to a place where my truths and my life are one and the same.  I can tell you today exactly how close anyone is to me by what they know about me.  Those in the inner sanctum, know it all.  And those on the periphery, know almost nothing that is not objectively observable.

For me, it took a long time to own who and what I was/am.  The past, the mistakes, the fuck ups, the addictions, the shame, the guilt, the quite desperate feeling that I was never, ever going to be enough for anyone.  And at the very same time, that I was too much far too often.

I would love to say that I got this all sorted a million years ago, but that would be a lie.  Honestly, I really didn’t even start figuring it out until 2022.  Four years of living my personal truth after a lifetime of lying and pretending.  And fuck, I am grateful for the last four years, as painful as they have been, as hard as they have been, they have totally been worth it.  There is such peace in living in your own truth.  Living and letting all that chatter, relational fodder just fall away.  Allowing those people not meant for you to just blessedly leave your life and become distant memories and further scars to heal.  So much better to live according to your truths then to bleed out due to your own lies.  Living your life with authenticity isn’t easy, especially when you have surrounded yourself with people who will tell you that you are supposed to be someone else.

The hardest thing I have ever done is to be me.  And to find the willingness and stamina to continue to uncover, discover and discard those things about me that are true and untrue.  To develop a loving, kind relationship with myself that is real, authentic and genuine and then have the courage to share that with you.  There is so much pressure in today’s world to be this amazing version of yourself that is thin, successful, fun, energetic, following your passion, deeply connected to those about you and living according to spiritual principles.  It is easy to get lost along the way.

My most honest truth today is that I do not miss all the people, jobs, things that have been removed from my life.  I am grateful for the time spent with them, but I am grateful that time passed.  Today, while my circle is smaller, and my orbit in life minuscule, I am so very grateful for all the things that have been removed to make room for the peace that has come after letting go of all the things I thought I needed and wanted but just were never meant for me...

Finding your truth is never easy.  And finding it is way easier than living it, in my experience.  But there is a quiet stability that comes from humbly accepting your life the way it is while also working to continue to grow and change.  To move towards whomever you are supposed to be and whatever you are supposed to contribute to this life.  And, at least today for me, it was worth the effort, pain, tears, hardship, loss and fear.  Living in accordance with your own truth turns out to be a pretty priceless way to live...and if that path turns out to be more solitary than you’d hoped, you can survive that too.

Again, still...