It Is Not Going to Go the Way You Think...

In life, today, at all...

Sometimes it is going to go so much better!

And then, of course, there are going to be those times that do not go all that well and you didn’t see it coming.

That is the great and delicate balance of life.  Long boring stretches of monotony punctuated by life altering swings of fortune/gain and devastation/loss.  And we really get no say so in the whole endeavor.  Each of us, instead, gifted with the opportunity to show up and handle life in whatever form, each day.

Upon awakening each day, I ask God to give me the strength.  For guidance, an intuitive thought or idea.  The ability to pause when agitated or doubtful.  The motivation to move forward in my day as a good example of a sober, sane person.  Most of the time I do a good job.  Other days, I am a total shitshow.  Most of the time, my life is not.  And I think, for the most part, I handle it all pretty well.  I have had decades of practice staying in the day and seeking to make right what I fucked up the day prior.  

Someone said last night that all alcoholics should have two signs in their homes.  The first one, right by their bed, “It is not going to go the way you think...”  The second one, by the front door, “it is not going to that way either...”  Lots of truth in both statements.  The placement would have to be different for me since I am usually at home all day long.  Perhaps on the fridge?  Or back door.  I guess the placement is immaterial, it is really just about remembering that I am not in charge of much in this life.

My attitude is the one thing that remains my purview.  And some days, despite a lot of prayer, effort and restraint, I don’t have much control there either.

When I was drinking the only thing I was absolutely sure about was that it was all going to suck.  Today, I have a much brighter view of life and living.  Today I am sure that if I keep doing the simple things I know to do to live humbly in this life, I will likely get a decent run at things.  But, no matter how wonderful I am, there are going to be hard things, grief, pain, loss, suffering.  And the more I attempt to evade or avoid this fact of living, the more the shit I am trying to avoid shall come to pass.

Today is not going to go the way I think...so the best effort I can make today is to put aside what I think and do the next indicated thing...

One of the most valuable skills I have learned is to be able to regroup and start over my day whenever I get derailed.  Begin again, still.  Some days I start my day and that is it, I just live.  Then there are other days where it all seems to go wrong all fucking day and I start my day over a million times.  Both are just days, I just like the former more than the later.

But life doesn’t really give a shit if I like it.  And also, I have tools to change the things I can.  And to know that there are some things, both wonderful and crap, that I cannot change no matter how much will, effort or prayer I put into the day.  

Life shall always be a precarious balancing of competing interests, needs, wants and instincts.  Some days it will feel easy and somedays it will feel absolutely impossible.  It is all just life.  And today, I remain grateful to know that I have the tools to live comfortably and easily in each moment.  The choice is always mine.

Today isn’t going to go the way I think...and it isn’t going to go that way either...

Again, still...