It's About Time...

First of all, one of my top five favorite movies of all time is called About Time. Such a great fucking film! Check it out!

Time is really all we ever have to offer another.  Presence, love, adoration, care, affection, those are all things that can only come with the gift of our time.  And we are all allotted this life time.  And none of us, really know when it is going to end, or take a hard right that will alter our ability to enjoy our time here.

Lately, if I am honest, I have had too much time on my hands.  Time is one of those things that I do better with less of, not more.  Time is something that as it builds up in my life, weighs on me and sometimes even paralyzes me.  Like I am trapped under the amount of time I have, and what I am supposed to be doing with it.

This year has been a hard year.  And I am still grieving the loss of my dad.  And I have needed oodles of time to just read and walk and sit and do, well, almost nothing.  Couple that into my work life being a bit of a shit show, further complicated by some physical limitations and, well, I have to own that I have been languishing with my time.  It is like time and I have curled up on a stormy day, in bed, reading, and now have rotted to the point of complete inertia.  I will admit, it has been hard getting this being that used to be in such motion, back in orbit.

I have had moments of productivity.  But I will own that today I have jury duty and I found myself saying things to myself like, “this will be good for you, maybe you will meet some new people...”  Yes, jury duty is a great place to network!  HA!  And I don’t even want to “network” just the mention of that words causes a small revolution in my soul.  I never want to “network” again, ever.  No, I just want to live my life and see what happens next, then take pictures of it and write about it.  Fuck networking. I do not want to live a life that has networking as something I need or have to do. Ever.

But I have spent so much time alone in recent months, that jury duty is looking like something I am willing moving toward, instead of avoiding it like any other normal person...sigh, this is where I am right now.  Delicately balanced on a life of my own making, where I am foundering with the abundance of time...

Yes, I do realize how blessed I am to have this time.  And I am NOT complaining.  Instead I am trying to own that I haven’t been so good with my time.  I haven’t really owned it as my own, instead it has kind of owned me.  I have been a little lost in it if I am honest.  And, you know, I am always doing my best to be honest.

Anyway, I am not sure this blog post will launch me into some new, less dysfunctional relationship with time, but I hope so.  I do see that I am on the back side of life.  I do see that time is the most precious gift that is kind of human proof.  It doesn’t matter how much money, success you have or not.  Time is something that none of us can bend to our will, own or lock down.  Time is something that we can only give.  I can give it to myself. I can give it to you.  What I realize has been missing from my life lately is that I have failed to appreciate the value of my time and what I choose to do with it...

Time is how I show up, what I do, how I love, how I live.  It is everything, really.  I remember every single time someone has given me their time, freely, lovingly, and it lands some place deep within me.  When someone takes their time, and gives it to me, I feel amazing, special, loved, seen.  And I know, I can’t be the only one that feels that way.

I can be pretty selfish with my time.  I can be pretty stingy and miserly.  Which, as of late, hasn’t made me any happier.  I think, instead, the amount of time I am giving myself is out of balance with what I am giving to others and I need to spend some time reflecting on that because I am not even using all the time I am giving to myself, well, for good purpose or in a very loving way.  Yes, totally a time for change. And it is about time...

Again, still...