Karma Cards...

***Post Warning:  this is going to be a woo woo one***

So there is this Tarot reader that I follow on Instagram.  She is just super cool and does readings for all the zodiac signs twice a week for free. {@danielleingenitohealer} And everything she says just feels so spot on for me, for quite awhile now.  And she isn’t trying to get you to spend $$$ a month, she just puts it out there for you for free and, of course, she has other services that you can purchase, if you want.

She just seems like someone I would like to know.  So I check in with her twice a week to get my weekday and weekend readings.  And I am shocked how often she describes exactly what is going on in my life in that moment.

I know, I know, say whatever you want but I find comfort and safety in her readings so I am going to believe what I want!  Again, I live in Ojai for a reason!

Today she pulled a Karma card - what we need to be working through and on.  And my sign got two:

Rewire the way you love

Overcome Self Doubt

And fuck if that isn’t apropos!

Two things I am very currently working on and with.

I am not sure why my love life has been so ensnared with pain but the two are inextricably linked.  Or at least they have been for fucking ever.  It has taken my entire life time to figure out why and then begin about 10 years ago to untangle all that shit.  It has not been a great deal of fun.

But I feel like I am making progress and perhaps am currently stalled out on the, “I have rewired myself and now I don’t want to love anyone romantically” card. Like I have healed so much that I can find no one even close to what I am looking for. Which isn’t all bad, I love me the best I ever had and am no longer willing to suffer fools, liars and narcissists, so definitely making progress. 

I don’t know if a complete rewiring is possible, but I hold out hope, maybe, one day.

Overcome self doubt!  It is like she is in my head.  I am currently working on all these creative projects and I keep stalling out because I have all this self doubt:

Who wants to read my memoir?

Who wants to listen to my podcast?

Who wants to buy my divorce course?

The book is a done deal.  I am publishing it this fall.  I have spent the last 30 years writing and rewriting it and it is just time to put it out there and be done with it. Love it, hate it, don’t fucking read it.  Whatever you do is fine, I just need to birth it and be done.  A 30 year gestation period is a long fucking time.  My only hope is that it helps someone else...

The podcast is underway but I am stalling.  I am not putting in the time, partly because my neck is fucked and I cannot sit at a desk for long periods of time...but the real reason is that I am terrified.  And filled with self doubt.

The divorce course is just an idea at this point but something I think would be helpful to people going through separations and breakups.  I would like to be helpful to more people who are going through a hard time at a lower price point.

The commonality for both crosses I bear is that I am in my own way.  Forward progress is impeded because I keep running around myself and then standing in my own way.  It has been like this for months.  I start then I stop.  I falter, I doubt, I fear, and then I stop moving forward.  Just have everything hanging mid air...

Yesterday’s reading put it at issue - what the fuck are you going to do?  Are you going to do the work that is yours to do? Or you going to spend your life trying to resist your own karma?

Hmmmmm,  I guess we will see....

Again, still...