Maybe We Will Never Get "There"...

I was driving yesterday and it happened again, I just got whacked with this realization that seemed to come out of nowhere, but more likely has been building for years...

“I may never get to have that deeply committed and loving relationship...” (Yes I know I have written about this before, but this felt new and landing).

And it wasn’t like a pity party thought.  And it wasn’t doom and gloom.  It was more of a dawning realization that perhaps because of who I am, because of all that has happened, that partnership and romantic love is just not ever going to be possible...for me.

For a very long time I have believed it was a him problem.  I just needed to meet HIM.  Then it would be all good.  But in reality, I think all along it has been a me problem, and yesterday it kind of hit me that perhaps I will never be different enough to ever be able to enjoy a long term committed, loving relationship.

It was both acutely sad and somewhat of a relief.

Sad because I would honesty love a partner.  I really would.  Someone to enjoy the rest of my life with, someone to share life’s ups and downs.  Someone to lay my head on his chest at the end of every day.

But it was also a relief in the sense that the sheer thought of it kind of gave me permission to stop seeking it.  I mean anything can happen.  And does, all the time.  But yesterday what struck me one more time is that perhaps I have been focused on the wrong thing for the whole of my life.  Perhaps it was never about the “right” guy.  Perhaps it has always and perpetually been a problem with me.  I am just not capable.  So it kind of landed like this:

If I had wanted my whole life to be an actor and I tried and tried and tried, but no matter what I did, I never got any parts.  Like ever.  Like I just kept trying and trying and trying but it was just not what was meant for me.  And Instead of stopping what I was doing and seeing what else I might enjoy and actually be good at, I just kept at the acting thing when it was never, ever going to work out for me.  What would happen if I just gave up the dream and dove into reality and found something else to dedicate my time to?

And that is how it feels now when I think about dating and love and commitment and forever.  I feel like I have been at this whole deal for so long now and I just keep trying but I also just keep failing.  And I believe that I have learned vital and important lessons that I needed to grow up and heal.  But perhaps, just maybe, I can be done with all of that now.  I can release it because it just isn’t in the cards for me.  And perhaps I will never stop wanting it, just like the person who wants quite desperately to be an actor wants that part, perhaps I can want it and give up on it at the same time.  Kind of just release it and stop feeling bad about myself for wanting it and not being able to achieve it, or find it, or hold it or whatever.

Perhaps there is no “there” for me with romantic love.  And perhaps that is just ok.  Perhaps I am now supposed to turn my attention to other things. There are other amazing gifts I get to receive but it isn’t that.  And perhaps my time would be better spend and enjoyed if I can grieve the loss of that and move forward into things that ARE meant for me.

I feel like I have been out in a tumultuous tide, that beats me back to shore over and over and over again.  And I keep hoping that someday I will make it to that other distant shore, but I never do.  I remain stranded on my own island, which is quite lovely by the way, but my enjoyment of said island of Erin leaves me wanting because I fail to appreciate just how very lucky I am to have it.  Perhaps there isn’t better or more on that distant shore I have been swimming towards all these years...perhaps I am just fine exactly where I am and I can now free myself up to stop reaching for what is out of reach and I can just move with the tide, walk my own beach and relish in all that I have.

I have an amazing life.  I am so very blessed in so many ways.  I have so much love in my life, just not THAT kind of love, and I feel like I am finally rounding into a lovely acceptance with that.  Perhaps some of us are just meant to walk through life in a more solitary union.  The commitments we made to ourselves, whether they were born out of pain, fear, loss or trauma, become who we are regardless of intent, interest or longing.

It is hard to give up on something you want quite desperately.  But I feel an easy peace coming with each new day that rises upon my solitary standing.  I wake, alone.  I slumber, alone.  I go to far away places, alone.  And I love it.  There are so many things in this life that I am never going to become:  an elite athlete, a gazillionaire, untraumatized but that doesn’t mean that I cannot enjoy the fuck out of my life within the parameters I am given in this life.  I do not want to be the person who gets to the end of this whole deal and looks back and thinks, “fuck, look how much time I wasted!  Look at all the time I had to do something else...and I didn’t do it because I was just pining away for something that wasn’t meant for me...”

It is hard to give up on things you want.  And even harder to give up on things you need.  But the thing about both of those is I am learning I can give what I need to me, and I don’t think I ever realized I had this power until now.  And with each passing day, I become happier and more content just living this life with all I have and all I do not.  And the tightness in my chest lessens and I grow happier and more alive, I think.  And I think, I really do that perhaps the “THERE” I thought I wanted was just someone else’s dream that I adopted because I was just too scared to find my own. Perhaps finding my own bliss has been eclipsed by my stubborn insistence that my life work out differently than it has.  And perhaps, peace only comes when we realize that whatever is happening is what is supposed to be happening and perhaps then I can stop railing and swimming against the ever coming tide, and just float in what I know to be mine...

Again, still...