I was called out this morning for dressing up old behavior in new garb and peddling it as unique, new, fashionable and sexy.
This irritated me to no end. I wanted to scream, cry and maybe even throw something...
I didn’t.
Instead I somehow agreed to pause, and now I am praying and waiting 24 hours.
How did I get here?
How did I go from a good new story on self will run riot and end up fucking waiting 24 hours?
It is a simple answer: I want something different.
And to receive different, I have to do different.
Which is why I have never gotten different. Because I always, habitually and repeatedly dress up old shit in new stories and convince myself there is something else really going on.
Fuck
Shit
Damn
Again.
My life is good. I am the best I have ever been. But I want a good distraction now. I am rounding a bend in my road and I would really like to hurry up this process. Move it along. Push it. And I totally can. I always have. Or, I can do what I have been instructed to do...slow the fuck down and relax. Just watch me, my mind and my endless story spinning. Breathe myself through it. Hold my own hand and just be still with myself and the universe.
It is hard to do this when you see everyone else acting out with impunity. My self will clamors for more, for the ability to do what I see others do too. But the message I keep getting is to wait. And while I hate it with every fiber of my being, wait I shall. Because the waiting path is the one not traveled in my life. Waiting is the one that is overgrown and bushy as a path. There are spider webs and thick underbrush because I have never, ever traversed this path. This one is dark and full of scary things that I don’t want to think about and want to explore even less...
But, I will take the path less traveled in my life, because what I know more than anything else is that I do not want what I have so far got. And in order for something new to happen, I have to be willing to do the different. I have to be willing to do the thing that is painful, hard, and contrary to all that I want in this moment. I have to be willing to see that the old behavior has just arrived again a wolf in sheep’s clothing...and I am leading myself to my own slaughter fucking again.
So not this time I say only to myself. Not this time. I will pause. I will wait. I will take the path that seems so much harder than the one I want to take. I will trust Mr. Frost, my deity of the day, to guide me to what happens when I allow for the Divine instead of MY WILL. I will just surrender and trust that surrendering has always granted me access to a new way of being that I never thought possible...every. single. time.
It isn’t old behavior if you are still doing it.
No matter what my head tells me to the contrary.
