Pain That is Not Transformed is Transmitted...

What if we all were able to view our pain in life as something we were supposed to work with, instead of against?  That each of us, and our life experience, was something to be transformed so that we didn’t transmit it to others?  How very different would life and living be for all of us?

I can see in my own life, the pain that I haven’t transformed and the toll it has taken on those closest to me.  I didn’t mean to do this and I have been working on my pain and trauma and loss.  Regardless, I still transmitted it.  And that adds more pain to my life and those about me.  Totally not what I intended...but it is what happened, regardless.

I continue to work on myself and my pain, and loss.  And maybe I will never resolve it all.  Or if I do, then I will be so old that it will be almost immaterial.  I still think that it is my life’s work.  To make sense of the awful things that have happened.  To move forward in spite of all the loss, trauma and pain.  And do my level best to transform those losses into catalysts for change and growth and into a more evolved way to live.

Sometimes it feels like a hard way to live.  And I see many people in the world just kind of accepting, or denying that they have any issues at all.  And that is sometimes hard to see when I feel compelled to work on all my shit.  The idea that some people can just opt out of the whole spiritual growth thing, that lands hard, and unfair. 

But I know that is none of my business.  What they do is up to them and their God.  Not me.  I guess my best efforts where others are concerned is to avoid those who are committed to keeping their heads in the sand, and continue to stay in my lane and work on my shit.  What they do or not do is none of my business.

I am in another fucking growth cycle.  Seeing things more clearly than I ever have before.  My part in my own dysfunction and drama.  Seeing how I am one who causes me to suffer more than anyone else.  Right now I am working on my commitment to disassociation and avoidance.  They are hard wired in there.  Things that scare me or make me feel insecure are just things I avoid. Which is dysfunctional but I have not been able to change this fact about me because I kind of liked being avoidant.  I thought there was some goodness to be found there, perhaps a little bravado.  And that made me feel safe. But it has occurred to me that it doesn’t get me where I want to go.  I am not having the relationships I want to have because I just keep avoiding them.  And finally, after years of being loyal to the idea and behavior, I am willing to let go and just stop.  To run, ok, perhaps run is a little over zealous, to move towards things instead of opting always to just avoid it.

I don’t know how to do this.  I just have to take what I think is a good idea and do the opposite for now.  That is the best I can do.  To transform the pain that caused me to disassociate and avoid in the first place so that I don’t transmit it anymore.  Feels like a very big ask.  But, at the same time, I feel ready to let it go for reals this time.  I don’t need it anymore. These behaviors have served me well, but now they are in the way of my further growth and I need to step into the void and let go.  Scary stuff.  But I have done lots of scary shit in my life.  This will not be anything new.  Perhaps harder to let go of just because I have been reinforcing disassociation and avoidance for all these years...but I can do hard things.  I have done a lot of hard things.  And this is just the latest version of hard.  This is just another pain that I will transform so that I can stop transmitting it.

Again, still...