This is not my natural state. I am anxious, avoidant and difficult in my resting normal. But yesterday, I turned some sort of corner, or perhaps turned it some time ago and just realized it yesterday. Probably the later...
I have never really enjoyed the holidays. I stressed myself out. Running around, planning, buying, preparing, and hosting. I was always a being in motion and a stressed out one at that. When it finally came time to relax and enjoy, I was so jacked up, I couldn’t.
And I was unaware that there was any kind of different option, at least for me. But yesterday, it just turned out different. I didn’t shop until the night before. I stayed up later prepping but not anything crazy or stressful. Then I got up, wrote, went to the gym, hit a meeting, came home and got shit ready. I had basically two hours to: set the table, heat up all the food, pull it all together and get myself presentable. And it all just happened. I didn’t stress, or worry, or rush and I had time to sit down which I swear to God has never happened before. The whole deal was just peaceful and easy.
Ummm, that is not my normal state in any situation. Peaceful and easy is not how I roll. Until now...
And it just happened. I didn’t set any intentions to be more peaceful and easy going. I didn’t try to make it happen. I didn’t decide anything. I just found myself in the middle of my life, doing what needed to get done and enjoying the fuck out of it. And having plenty of time to get it all done, with time to spare! What the actual fuck?
The whole day yesterday was just easy and peaceful externally to me and internally. I wasn’t trying to force solutions and I wasn’t trying to manage anything. It just flowed, from one thing to the next. The food all turned out amazing. The table was beautiful. The kids helped. My parents enjoyed themselves. And I had the best holiday that I can ever remember...
And what really strikes me is that I didn’t have to do anything. I just showed up and did the next indicated thing and it all worked out. It just flowed. And I was able to enjoy myself, the pressure being off and me allowing the moment to have, well, its moment.
It was the most enjoyable holiday I have ever spent because I was present and unworried about outcomes. I didn’t have to control anything. I was able to just be in it and not consumed by it or feel like I was being consumed by it. I was able to give up control and just allow what was supposed to happen to occur.
Now, this might not seem revolutionary to you, but it was for me. I have always felt like I have to control everything in order to get anything done. I have been so consumed with myself that I made myself miserable, and probably everyone else around me too.
I kept commenting all afternoon, “this was so easy...”, “I feel like I am forgetting something major because this has all just flowed and been simple...” But the complicated, hard and infuriating never came. It was just a lovely day with the people I love in my sanctuary.
It was peaceful and easy. And my best holiday to date!
Who knew that you could be this old and still be amazed by how good life is and how much you can change long standing patterns with yourself? Who knew that it can happen effortlessly on a Thursday in November?
I didn’t know...but I do now.
Peaceful and easy...sigh. Perhaps that is how I will move into 2025...a calmer, more enjoyable version of me. Seems like the best gift I could ever give myself, and everyone else. I guess it really is never too late to own a different version of yourself. And to be amazed at how wonderful and lovely a peaceful and easy life really is.
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