The first time I ever was told I was powerless, I got angry. It immediately kicked off a whole bunch of shit in my head. I was pissed and set about to prove it wasn't true...but it was. Once I admitted it related to my addiction, it opened doors for me to see that I am completely powerless a lot. And even 25 years later, I still hate it.
But I have also come to know that it is not a place without safety. If I lack the power, then I can help myself by realizing that, perhaps in that moment, the only thing I can do is to just stand there and own it. I can't effectuate the outcome, reaction, desire that I want no matter what strategies I employ. My will marshaled leads me only to a deeply worn rut that I have a hard time getting out of and a harder time realizing I am in.
In my life, I have quested and worked to gain power. I have exerted my will in herculean efforts to change the course of my life and yours. I have been an influencer and a creator. I have arrogantly believed and lived my life in a manner that pushes me and you in a direction I have decided we should go. I have mostly done this because I was afraid. Afraid of the free floating nature of life. This ebb and flow feels dangerous to me. Completely tossed about by the waves of time and so incredibly vulnerable to their magnitude and strength. Stubbornly, I refuse to see and acknowledge that I cannot change their course and magical thinking otherwise only results in lodging me more completely in my own way.
Perhaps when I feel this way, the answer is in the word itself. Perhaps powerlessness is really here to teach me to power less. It isn't this place that lacks all power, it is just a soft message to exert less power that I don't really have anyway. I cannot change the way I feel, rescue others who suffer or do much to change the course of life. But I can power less. When I feel this way I can just release all the power that I feel that I have and feel that I don't have and realize that lack of power or misuse of power or delusionally believing that I need less or more power, has been and continues to be my best teacher.
I know today the following:
I love people who are suffering.
I hurt because I love them and it is painful to watch them suffer.
I want to have power to end their suffering.
I want to run over to their side of the suffering and "help" them.
If I do this, my life immediately become unmanageable...and in turn, theirs also.
I have come to believe that I am powerless over most everything and my belief otherwise makes my life ridiculously unmanageable. So there is only one thing to do...surrender. Surrender to the idea that I am here, powerless, trying to power less and just accept that even though I do not understand and this lack of understanding causes me anxiety, stress and pain, that I will at some point understand. And this understanding will help me and in turn others if I remain open to the lesson.
I am a good addict. I want what I want when I want it. However, recently I am becoming more comfortable seeing and experiencing that I am not always the best decider of what I want. Someone asked me today what I wanted to do for my birthday and I got really quiet because I have no idea...really. I can't tell you what I want because I have spent no time really thinking about it. I have been immersed in thinking about what I should do, what is the right thing to do, what others expect me to do...I find myself here a lot actually. If you really want to shut me up, ask me what I want! I will tell you what I think you want me to say. I will tell you what I think you want to hear...rarely, because I do not know myself, will I tell you what I want.
Today I am powerless over my own life...my hopes, my dreams, my needs. I don't even know what they are...like most days, my thoughts swirl in a vortex of posturing and bolstering. I get lost in you because being with me leaves me feeling so very confused, powerless and alone.
My goal for today is going to be to serve others while keeping the focus on myself. Watching for my delusional belief to creep back - that I have power and that I should use it...Today, I am going to power less and instead try to just be. Life is unmanageable by me and for me. Some of the greatest lessons I have ever learned have been unearthed right at the place where I fell to my knees in complete defeat. Right there where I have run out of answers, ideas, strategies and power. There is a gap, a mindful gap where my life and your life exist on either side. Today, I am just going to embrace how it feels to power less. To not drive outcomes, opportunities and goals. Just to be in this world, with whatever power is inherently there or not. To trust that when I take the time to align myself with spiritual principles and practice those in all my affairs, I am relieved of the bondage of myself. I can be of service to those about me because I have re-oriented toward divine will and guidance. I can relax and melt into the cosmos who know already what will happen next. I can embrace the inherent uncertainty of life and trust that all that has come has brought me to where I am right now...struggling with the desire for power that I cannot really handle.
So I will do what I know to do: surrender. Feel it. Let it be. Trust that surrender has always been my ticket out of me. And those moments where I am not concerned about me and my needs and wants, the best moments of my life where powerlessness comes to fruition and I, magnanimously, let it just be...power less.