Pro/Con Lists...
- eschaden
- Apr 14
- 3 min read
I woke up this morning, tired, out of sorts. I keep having this recurring dream where I am surrounded by crocodiles and I wasn’t expecting them to be anywhere around me. Like I was just going to go for a swim in the river here in Ojai (where there are NO crocs or gators btw) and I am just about to jump in and I see there is one then another and then another. I am in peril and there is no one around to help me.
Yes, it is a metaphor for my life...I see that and I get it.
Now what to do about it?
I have no answers, only a great many questions. Lots and lots of questions. I have a whole bunch of competing issues taking up residence in my head. Clamoring for my attention and vying for first position as an action item.
Where am I?
Mostly lost in the shuffle of my mind.
I am doing a pro/con list but even that feels overwhelming and like too much of an ask today. So I just keep adding to it as things land, I summarily tuck them away on my pro/con list for the various and sundry ways my life could go in the coming months...
I was hoping that just creating the lists would make me feel better, more grounded and hopeful. But alas, nope. Just like I have more to do now that I feel like I have new information to be secured and tethered to the list every few moments. At least they aren’t free floating through space and time anymore. They have a home and it is on that fucking list instead of ricochetting around in my head, causing damage to my already rapidly deteriorating brain and emotional well being.
And while I was hoping against all hope for immediate fucking relief, instead I am graced with an ever growing list which right now seems to function as a repository of some of my grosser handicaps, hang ups and delusions. If you ever want to see them, I have a really handy list going...but you probably would do a better job at reciting them than I would anyway.
Meanwhile the day hums along. Work is, well, work. Kids are ok. Pets ok. Me, I am ok too, I just kind of hate admitting it. There is nothing really wrong...I am just all worked up about stuff and in fear and that is never a good place for an addict to be. I want ACTION! And I know that right now the only action to be taken is to write more shit down on that fucking list.
Sigh.
So today I feel like I am on the struggle bus. And I would like to jump off. I seem to not care at all that the bus is currently speeding at about 100 miles per hour...I should relate since I am quite speedy also (I just got mailed a ticket for speeding in New Zealand - they are quite the fuckers, they don’t pull you over, they just record you and then send you the fine in the mail). You don’t even know until you get the ticket...pretty hard to dispute something that you didn’t even know you did at the time.
Anyway, this too is fitting. I run too fast, always. And my ability to slow the fuck down feels tedious and like too much of an ask. But it does appear to be the task at hand...
So I am going to do the next indicated thing, work, then go for a walk, then the gym, then make my family dinner and then I will call it a night.
I get 1000 bonus points today because I wanted to do none of the above (which includes paying a speeding ticket that I didn’t know I got until about 12 emails ago...). I wanted to stay in bed until noon and then maybe go for a walk. Maybe.
So I steered my struggle bus into the “just do your life as it is right now” lane and showed up for work and did the deal. I did not enjoy any of it but 1000 bonus points is really enough for today considering...
And I worked on my pro/con list. I started it and worked on it and still attended to all the other shit I was supposed to attend to today. Yay me!
Feels rather pathetic but it is what I have today. The relief doesn’t come from making the pro/con list, it comes from reviewing it and seeing that there really aren’t as many options as you would like there to be...and that always is as it should be...
Again...still.
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