I am home. Vacation officially over. I now feel like I might need a vacation from my vacation. But I am back to work today.
Last night when I got home, I was feeling overwhelmed with my life. Like the re-entry was hard. I mean I took my kids and dogs with me so it wasn’t a vacation that was all fun and games, I still had responsibilities. But returning home to the house, the return to work, the pets, the tasks, most especially how to better manage my son left me feeling somewhat despondent and sad.
I was really beginning to spiral. I have a tendency to come in hot. Which leaves me feeling hopeless and like solutions are just out of reach. But a call from a friend really helped me change my perspective and allowed me to get all the crap done AND have a lovely evening.
I shared with him my feelings, what is going on with my son and how I felt about it all. I told him that the feeling of wanting to run away was powerful and sometimes overwhelming. He validated my feelings. He had no ready solutions for me but listened to me and then he reminded me that I am in re-entry. He helped me see that I am just re-entering the atmosphere and I was in the afterburn stage of re-entry. He reminded me that pretty soon the parachutes will deploy and I will float down until I eventually splash down, safely re-entered into my world’s atmosphere.
The analogy helped me immensely. Brought me a feeling of calm that I really needed given my emotional state and level of exhaustion.
He then reminded me that I am not to immediately pull the escape hatch and begin swimming about. I am just to sit in my capsule and wait for the Coast Guard or Navy to show up and help me out. I really needed this reminder!
This is not my tendency...ever. Waiting, most especially for help. I am a more “take action even if it is wrong because I can’t wait” kind of person. He knows this about me! So the advice landed well.
The reminder last night was helpful. I do not need to jump out and begin swimming for shore. I can just wait, adhere to the plan and let the next moment unfold. I forget often that there is a plan, just because I don’t know how the plan is going to manifest in this moment.
So I sat in my capsule last night waiting for the Navy...which really showed up as my friend Paul with this analogy that saved me from trying to push a solution and splash about in an unproductive and futile manner.
Instead, I attended to the things I could and allowed the frothy emotions to just sit as still as they are capable, encapsulated in my head. Trusting that they too will be dealt with in due time.
Re-entry burn hurt but just for a second. I was reminded of the plan for living that works when nothing else does: That I have a power that is greater than me that is capable of taking care of all the shit that I have no answer or response for...God can and will if he is sought.
So my night went much better by aligning myself to seek a spiritual solution instead of doing what I would have most likely done which is to create a situation that would not have helped anyone, most especially myself.
I am indebted to Paul and his spiritual reminder. It helped me get reoriented to my surroundings, to readjust to my life’s atmosphere. To understand that re-entry is always hard but I don’t have to make it harder by forcing solutions that are not readily available or ripe. I can just sit for awhile floating, trusting the process. Knowing that help will always come if I just stay true to the path. And don’t fuck it all up by forcing solutions my mind demands to provide instant relief. Instant relief has never really brought me great results because cutting the deal for short term gain always and forever leaves me in a place of getting short term relief while suffering long term pain.
Today, I am going to remember to just wait, allow it to unfold and trust that there is a process to this life I live. I do not have to know what is going to happen next, faith tells me that trusting the path is the only thing I need really work on. Aligning my will with what is unfolding can always and forever help me to be present. And the present is really the only place that my life is ever ok.