Um, what the hell is that?
I am pretty sure that I got the memo very early on in life that one worked into being. One did things into being. One commanded life into being. One did NOT relax into being. What the actual fuck?
But here I am at 51 and I am seeing, for the first time, that my way, my hard driving way, sucks. And it isn’t particularly effective at giving me a life I love or even like...
And like every other aspect of my life, I never change until the pain of doing what I am currently doing becomes greater than the pain of changing. Change I will or die I must. Or something like that.
It feels weird to slow down. It feels contrary on just about every level. I feel somewhat distraught and yet, at the very same time, I need and crave the slow down. The relaxation.
I am what I would describe as an energetic relaxer. I am not a person who goes through life moving slowly from one chill event to the next. No, I am not this person. I am the kind of person who runs like three stop signs trying to get to my meditation on time. Energetic and somewhat stressed out relaxer for sure!
But I am changing. I do not rush as much as I used to. I am late to work frequently now and this is defined progress for me. Luckily for me, no one at work cares. I get the job done so if I am late that just means that I am going to lose time from somewhere else...and that is fine with me.
I have s l o w e d d o w n...
And even as un-natural as it feels, I am enjoying it. I am not sure why I am always in a rush. It is like I am always trying to beat the clock, and guess what, in case you don’t already know this, you can’t. The clock always wins. Bitch!
Last night I went out with some old friends. We went early and spent a long time languishing at dinner, then we meandered around state street as the day gave way to night. We found a little coffee shop (Hustle & Grind which is exactly what we DIDN’T do - it is great by the way) and we languished some more. We relaxed into being in the moment with each other, enjoying the night, the weather, the company, the food and beverage. It was a lovely evening, the best one I have had in a long time...There is a lot to be said about comfortable old friends. There is an easy intimacy and mirth about them. You know how full of shit you used to be and it is funny. And you also know how full of shit you are now which is less funny but still a source of joy regardless of your willingness to really admit just how full of shit you are in that exact moment.
I relaxed into being with them. And it was splendid.
I had to run an errand yesterday and while on said errand, I ran into two women I know. I hugged them both and sat down and enjoyed talking to them. We just talked for about 20 minutes. It was unplanned, unexpected and good. It was good to see them both. My one friend went through a hard divorce a few years back and she is now flourishing in her life. Free to do as she pleases and the joy and contentment radiates from her. That was especially good to see. She looks amazing and happy. And that made me immensely happy. I was happy adjacent which is almost as good as being happy yourself!
I relaxed into being with them too.
And today, today I am going to relax some more. I have a coffee date and then a great expanse of nothing. Of course, I have some things to do...like clean my closet that is so full that I can’t shove one more thing in it. But I can relax into being with that too. I can not hurry or hustle or grind. I can just relax into being with whatever I am doing.
To be honest, it kinda feels like I am operating as if I am stoned...but I am sober as a judge (this is a stupid saying because I have known some pretty drunk ass judges in my time) (if I think it is stupid, why am I using the saying? Mostly so that I can write parenthetical clauses I think...)
I remain sober but slower. Relaxed into my life, sitting comfortable in sweatpants in the living room of my life, enjoying the fuck out of staring out the window, watching my cat take a bath in the sunshine, the dog chase shadows, and these things, these things I missed before, or didn’t pay attention to have replaced the busy, hard driving to do list. I marvel at the ordinary stuff that happens all the time and I am present for it.
Like now, I sit here drinking coffee, writing while the black and whites (one dog, two cats) lie draped around me like some sort of sash. They know how to relax into being...even the border collie can do it which is saying a lot. That might be a new benchmark for me...if the border collie is better at relaxing than you are, you need help, serious fucking help.
So my weekend is going to unfold and I will relax into being with it. Allowing each moment to unfold, unscripted into the next new moment. I will set aside all the fictitious pressure that my mind wants to put on things and I will just be in this life, relaxing and lounging into the center of my life. Damn, I never thought that slowing down would feel so good. I will resist the temptation of regret because I don’t want to miss one more minute of my life forcing into being all that I think I know. Instead, I can and will relax into the great unknowns of life and marvel.
