RID & PASTA
The pasta I will get to in a minute...
I am irritable which leads to a feeling of restlessness and discontentedness. I do not enjoy feeling this way. Mostly my life is good. However, I am having issues in my relationship with my son. It isn’t going well and I can’t tell if it is progress or regression. Regardless of which direction we are moving, it doesn’t feel good. I feel powerless, helpless and it all feels super unmanageable.
I have spent a fortune getting him help. But I feel like we haven’t ever and don’t ever really ever get to the fundamental issue. And it isn’t just us, the professionals don’t seem to know either. They are stymied too. What I find mostly is that everyone is really gung-ho in the beginning but they quickly fade once they see the enormity of the issue. It is like being given a bowl full of spaghetti and being told to find the beginning noodle...and it is all pasty and stuck together and every time you begin, the pasta breaks and you know that you are involved in a task that is fruitless, and never likely to achieve the stated goal.
I find myself just wanting to throw the pasta at the wall. Pledge never to go near the stuff again. Say fuck it and just be done with pasta and the whole deal. But it isn’t pasta, it is my kid and when I became a mom I made a commitment to not giving up...even when I felt like it.
So I suppose that feeling restless, irritable and discontented is normal for where I am. It seems to be an intractable problem and I am never ever going to have the solution. I just don’t like feeling this way. I want to be happy and joyous and feel free. But at this moment, I am sad. And as I might have mentioned before, that is not a comfortable emotion for me. I get sad mad and that really isn’t productive for anyone.
So I am looking into the endless bowl of noodles, having no idea where to begin, again and I am not feeling great. I am tired, uncomfortable and wishing things were different.
And I guess for now, I just have to be there with this sticky mess of a problem, not feel spiritually fit about it and try to move on with my day, doing things that are good for me, that allow me rest, relax and not do anything likely to make things worse.
I am trying to get over the hurt that he didn’t call me yesterday and be happy that he called my mom instead and checked in on her, but it hurts and that is just truth.
It is hard to love someone so much that you do not get along with...so hard to know what is you and what is him. I use as evidence that I do not have these issues in my other relationships, I tend to get along with others but maybe that isn’t even true. Maybe that is just another story I tell myself in an effort to keep the focus off of me...I really don’t know anymore.
Today I just know that I am struggling. Mothering feels hard and challenging beyond what I am capable of and he isn’t even here and now isn’t even speaking to me. Which should make it easier, but somehow makes it worse.
So there you have it. Not feeling great today. I am tired. And feeling wrung the fuck out. So I am going to do the only things I know to do, be as still as I can, tell the truth about where I am and pray that the benevolence I believe in will guide me to a better place eventually. I can wait. I have gotten so much better at benching restlessness. And that has helped me so much with my irritability and discontentedness.
And I know today that my delusion that finding the beginning noodle in all of this won’t really change all that much because it exists in a past that while a great influencer in how we got here, doesn’t really help me or him today. I can find the beginning, only to see that while I was so busy sifting through all the shards of sticky pasta, I missed the life that was occurring right here and right now. And that is the only place that I can change...right here, right now.
So I will do my best to sit with the hard feelings. I will try to be present today. I will carry on doing my best even when it feels like it is grossly lacking. And I will ask for what I need, which right now, is a hug. And if I can’t find a person then I have a lovely dog that gives the best hugs...thank God for dogs. They care not at all that you are not the best version of yourself...they instead just love you endlessly.