Today is the day! It feels like I have been planning this trip for months...but in reality it only all came together a week or so ago. I had lots of interest but many reservations (not that kind) about this trip. I struggled with whether or not I should go, whether I should spend the money, whether I should leave home/work/family for this long. I struggled with how selfish this trip is and also how hard I have worked to be able to do it. It took me more than a little while to sort it out.
I bought the ticket there and back awhile ago. But I didn’t fill in the details (as much as I ever do) until recently. I was on the proverbial fence about whether I should go or whether I should do something else entirely.
Well, today is the day and all that hand wringing resulted in me booking an amazing trip that I am so excited to begin starting tonight. I always feel like I have run a marathon at this point. I have a few loose ends to tie off and then there is nothing left for me to do except board the plane and begin the process of whatever the fuck is going to happen next!
Life is so weird. And amazing. And wonderful. And I am so grateful to be heading out for this grand Australian, Bali and New Zealand adventure!
I had trouble sleeping last night because I was so excited and I kept running through all the things I had to do today to get out the door on time and get all I wanted handled, handled. I also forgot to check in so there was that issue that woke me up at midnight. I was up taking photographs of my passport and getting checked in, then my brain was like, “let’s think of all the things that could go wrong...” It was very unclear whether I would get back to sleep...but I did and then I overslept! No worries, I have plenty of time today to do all the things required and needed of me. I love that I have a long runway today.
I also am so excited about who I will become as this journey unfolds. I am not going to be the same person and I guess that is part of the purpose of this trip. It has been a hard couple of years, mostly from decisions I made. I am my own worse enemy still so often. I am ready to walk off an old me. And to walk off a few other old yous. Time for a change. And I know that I will not be the same in a couple of days let alone almost a month.
Hopefully you will all enjoy the new and improved me that returns to this amazing life I have. And if you don’t, then it was nice spending the time we did. The last year has been an amazing lesson in allowing what is meant for me to land, and then what is not meant for me to just pass me by. I have been living open palmed so to speak. Whatever lands, to just allow it to be there, unclutched, neither holding on nor letting go. Just allowing whatever comes to just come and go as it is supposed to.
My mantra for this trip is to not mind what happens, and inherent in that, is to not mind what doesn’t happen. I am going to do my best to trust the process and allow whatever is supposed to happen to come even if I don’t like it or really would like something else.
I am looking forward to the down time, the unfamiliar, the disruption in routine, time zones and schedule. I am looking forward to seeing things I have wanted to see the whole of my life. I am looking forward to all the opportunities yet to unfold. I am grateful for a boss who gave me the time off. To my kids and parents for being willing to hold down the fort. For the money to make this trip and for the grace to be sober all this time to have the life I am currently escaping from for a little while.
Mostly I feel blessed and amazed that this is my life. I had no idea 30 years ago that everything would change in short order. I had not a clue that my life was going to get fundamentally rearranged...and yet, here we are. I am a totally different person than I was back then, and yet, I see shades of who I used to be, lingering forever in the shadows. Life is such a delicate balance of holding on and letting go...travel helps make what I need to release and what I need hold more crystalline and brings forth a clarity I tend to lack when mired in the daily living routine.
Best of all good things to all of us.
Again, still...always!
Hooroo!
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