Seeking...

Man, has this life been a journey.  A lifetime of seeking, finding and then seeking some more.  In a healthy way, and in some very NOT healthy ways.

I attempted to find “it” in social settings, friend groups, achievement.  I thought I found it at the bottom of a bottle of Jameson for a decade or so.  I have searched for it in relationships with men, dating, success, over continents, across the globe.  I thought I was missing something innate.  It was somewhere out there, somewhere I could touch or feel or at the very least, grab a hold of, tightly, and forever.

I did not know that seeking was simply a pathway to transformation.  It was something that was occurring with each adventure I craved.  Sometimes transformation is beautiful and lovely.  But often it is wretched and painful.  Often times, for me at least, it has looked like running away.  It has looked like a bomb going off in the middle of my life.  It has looked a lot like many things, but all of it, every single fucking thing, has been part of the transformation.  And it is not done yet.

I have a gypsy soul.  Always believing what I lack is out there somewhere that I can touch and own.  The older I get, the more I realize, what I really crave can only exist inside me.  It is a place I can abide within myself. And for me, I have needed every single moment of seeking, travel and searching to move my transformation forward, to what end, I do not know.  I am pretty sure the transformation is never done, the learning never over, the lesson never quite completed.

I need to go, but I also must return.  It is a cycle, a season, there is always a leaving but there is always a returning also.  It is nice to have a place to return to within me as much as there is a place for me to call home.  Home is something that was only a physical place for me for a long time, but now, this physical place is very connected to the way I feel about myself, with myself, for myself.

There will always be longing. And there will always be travel.  What I think is a newer thought to me is that it is the looping back to where I started from that is also part of the journey, a necessary component of the transformation.  I have to go, but I also must return.

I have felt very disconnected to myself lately.  Lost onto myself.  A jangling bundle of loose ends that appeared disconnected and disorganized.  But I can see, they are just new iterations of my being, an older version donning new fits that initially fooled me into believing I was changed.  I was not.  I was just calling the old stuff something different, which only propagated more of what I have been trying to rid myself of...and as usual, I was the last to know.

In seeking there must be a balance as with all things in this life.  Too much and gluttony and all its affects takes over one’s life.  Too little and greed has its way with you.  And I guess, transformation requires, at least for me, a far flung searching and also a sweet homecoming.

Again, still...