The Very Spiritual Act of Deleting a Text BEFORE You Hit Send...

I woke up this morning and was annoyed with my daughter for not responding to my text messages.  I immediately sent her a snarky text message.  Then I reread it.  And I thought, “would I want to wake up to that? Would it help me feel closer to my mom and want to be helpful to her, if I woke up to that?” 

The answer was a resounding NO!

I sat with the text for a minute.  It just loomed on my screen...waiting to be sent.  And I am not sure why it feels so hard to delete them, but for whatever reason, it is.  I think, for me, it is the effort it took to write it, feels completely wasted if I then just delete it.  I am a weirdo about efficiency!

So I always have to get over that little tic.  But it kind of landed with me, how my need to fire something off is misguided...I mean, sure I want to communicate with her.  I want to let her know I need something different than she is giving me.  But I also injure our relationship.  Which is totally NOT what I want or need at all.  

This morning I saw the error of my habitual ways.  It IS more important to preserve the relationship than to say whatever snarky thing I felt was appropriate to text this morning.  I wasn’t pissed at her, I was more hurt by the fact that she doesn’t respond to my text messages which hurts my feelings and makes me a little anxious.

So as my fingers hovered over the return button, I was on the precipice of spiritual growth.  I could hit return and send the shitty text and reinforce an already well worn pattern. Or, I could just delete the fucker and move on with my day, vowing to talk to her about this like a rational human being later when my snarkiness had passed and I was able to really communicate with her.

I am embarrassed to say how long my fingers hovered...

But the sheer fact they hovered was evidence of spiritual growth!  I paused.  I waited.  And then I fucking deleted the text and realized that this habit of mine to react when I am triggered or hurt, or not spiritually fit, is a long standing pattern of mine that is totally, without a doubt, absolutely unproductive in my relationships with others, most especially my children!

So I deleted the text and then moved on with my morning.  I will likely talk to her about her lack of timely responses later, but not when I am irritated and not in a text message that she will wake up to and be annoyed about.  I can wait.  I love her way more than I needed to send that message.

I am not sure if I will ever eradicate my habit of attempting to create connection with disconnection, but I am trying. And that counts.

So I am not going to break my own arm patting myself on the back over here, but I do want to give a subtle nod to my spiritual practice this morning.  There are some mighty big God moments in that fucking pause.  And I am very grateful I was able to access that this morning and move myself, perhaps, just a little further down the path...

Again, still...