I Can't Write About What I Want to Write About...Yet.

I am holding things back.  I am pulling punches.  I am not being honest.  And it is because I am afraid to really say what I am feeling which is not new to me.  I have spent a lifetime of being scared to say what I really thought or felt because I didn’t want to pay the consequences.  But I am reaching the apex of that particular issue and I am landing on the “IDGAF” side.  I am not quite there yet, but I am getting there with a rapidity that is somewhat scary.

I have spent my lifetime accommodating others.  Sacrificing myself in order to help others.  To make myself small so that others can feel big.  And right now I am wondering “why the fuck would I do that?”  It isn’t honest.  It isn’t who I really am.  It is just another facade I have hidden behind because I was honestly terrified about what would happen to me if I said the thing, if I did the thing, if I shared the thing.

I am still afraid but find my ability to swallow it down, hold it back waning.  I just am tired, always thinking of how what I say is going to land.  Always trying to make sure I don’t offend anyone or hurt their feelings.  All while getting my feelings hurt a great deal of the time and saying nothing.

I do realize this is my dysfunction.  I do realize that my strategy for living has failed.  I thought being nice and polite and accommodating would arrive me at a better place.  It hasn’t.  And frankly, I am fucking sick of it...and almost ready to do something about it.

I am holding back because it is terrifying to exchange your life long living pattern for a new one.  I am holding back because I am afraid of what will happen if I really say what I think and feel.  I am scared.  So I am not putting it all out there...yet.  But it is coming, a huge release of you and your opinions and your ideas about who and what I should be, how I should act, what I should do.  I am right on the verge of “FUCK THIS!”  

But for today, I am going to hold back.  I am going to not say the things.  I need to be sure I am ready to pay the consequences of that level of honesty, the level of accountability I will have to shoulder if I am really, totally honest about where I am and what I feel.  So I am sitting with the disparity of feeling one thing and thinking another and then behaving as if neither was true.  Hard stuff really.  Very hard stuff.  But I have lived through worse.  I have lived through so much worse...and the resounding question for me right now is “do I want to continue living through worse?  Or would I rather do something different and get something different?”  Again, hard question.  Very hard question to answer in today’s world...where the results are unpredictable and unknown.  But I guess that is living every day...

Again, still...