I think I have a sinus infection...well, I know I have a sinus infection but I am trying to deny that I don’t feel well. I have felt it coming for about a week...there is really nothing I can do. They just come at change of season and I suffer until I get antibiotics. Then I will begin to feel better.
I haven’t really been sick in over a year. I think I got one sinus infection last year but was not in denial about it so I took care of it super quickly and it was over before it really started. This year I have been fairly stubborn about denying that it was happening.
In my defense, I also got the vaccine so I wasn’t sure if I was having a reaction or just getting a sinus infection. Well, I know now.
We are in the middle of trial at work. I have to be there, at least at the beginning to handle things and make sure it all goes smoothly. Yesterday was a shitshow. I care about the people I work with so I will show up to get it started, hell I might even stay the whole day.
And here is where I am every time I am ill which is blessedly rare. I do not know how to stay home and rest. I feel like I am not allowed to be sick or to need things like a sick day. I think in the six years I have worked for this firm I have been sick a total of eight days and seven of those were when I got the flu.
I am just not a good down person. Partly because of my drinking days...I would be so hungover that I just couldn’t function so life was always this precarious juggling act of drinking, trying to recover from the effects of drinking, living life and meeting obligations. And I was not one of those irresponsible drunks, no, not me. I was one of those people who was out there in the world, signing up for shit all over the place and then letting everyone down all the time. Showing up was something that was super hard for me.
So when I stopped destroying my life, part of my amends to all the people I worked for and paying it forward was to stop being a taker and start showing up no matter what...I may have overdone that looking back. But I also know that it is who I am and I am not really in control of the extremes I go to...
Balance, especially of self care is more of a new topic for me. I am usually so willing to throw myself out there and persevere. I guess maybe the older I get, the more I realize that every time I do that, it takes me a longer period of time to recover.
I know what I should do today...stay home, rest, call the doctor, get antibiotics. That is clearly what I need. But is what I need physically. Emotionally I need to be at work. People are counting on me and I need to be there for them.
So I will try to strive for balance...I will go to work, make sure the trial gets off and started then come home to rest. That is the best I can do today.
My concern is that once I am there, I have a tendency to stay. I do not honor what is best for me because I am smacked up against what is best for others or what others need from me. And so I cave.
I am going to try not to do that today. I am going to go in, get it handled then come home. I am going to wear not work attire to drive the point home to others that I am only there temporarily. If I get all ready for work, I know me, I will stay.
I will call the doctor. I will get antibiotics. I will take care of myself. Seriously. I will. I think...well, I am going to try.
Fuck! Taking a sick day should not be this fucking hard. Guess I see where I need to do some work...again, still.