Stumbling In...

Welcome to my life.  This is how things happen for me a great deal of the time, I just stumble into them.  I used to spend a lot of my time stumbling around drunk, and believe me, shit happened, but none of it was very good. I was just foundering my way through life, spinning and bumping into things.  Sometimes they were pretty good things, but most of the time, even if a really good thing happened for me or to me, I couldn’t effectuate any kind of meaningful response, because I was just too drunk to make it happen.

Upon getting sober, the fumbling, drunk addled stumbling ceased.  And I moved into whatever this next era is:  stumbling into things that are pretty fucking amazing.  Jobs have totally worked out like this.  Just me doing the deal of being sober and showing up, and several great jobs have befallen me.

Where I landed as a community, totally stumbled into that one.  Went to get a desk off Craigslist, and somehow Ojai took hold of me and hasn’t let go.

Friendships are also like this.  I just kind of lucked out with the friends I have.  There was no real effort, it just kind of happened.

I suppose my love life has been like this also, except with not so great results.  If there is an area I have foundered in the most, it is in romantic love.  

I was thinking yesterday as I was driving up the Oregon Coast, “I wonder if it will ever work out for me?”  Feels like at this point, I am too far gone.  Like my issues, traumas and patterns of thought are all prohibitive of me being partner material.  It is something I want, but I seem to fuck it up every single time, no effort required.  In fact, I am not trying to fuck it up when I fuck it up.  And yet, I just keep walking into the blades.

And dating and relationshiping does absolutely feel like walking into blades.

It is so much easier to be alone.  SO. MUCH. EASIER.

I know I have been here before but I am rounding another corner towards done.  I have met several women in my life who just see the futility of their attempts to love and be loved by a man, and there is a line, they cross it and never look back.  They are done with dating, men, love and all the things that go with it.  And that includes sex which is kind of the reason I still keep at it, if I am honest.  I am not ready to give that part of living up yet.  But perhaps I am just stumbling into my own dysfunction and perhaps, just maybe, it is time to stop.

I am baffled as to why love and loving is so elusive for me.  I know I am a lot, but fuck, I give a lot too.  I am tired.  It has been so nice to be on the open road, disconnected and not thinking about dating and men and love and all that stuff.  It is so healing for me to just be amazed over and over again by all the things that are hurtling by as I drive through.

I can’t make it happen and I can’t seem to stumble into it either.  And I am growing weary.  I am sitting in yet another beautiful respite that is filled with loving couples.  You fuckers are everywhere!  And I seem to select the same resorts you do!  Which is some kind of a cruel joke, really.  When I went to Bali I actually researched single’s resorts (there really aren’t any) because I wanted to stay at a lovely place but I didn’t want to have to deal with all the loving, happy couples.  I mean, I am happy for you and do not wish you any lack in that department, but I really don’t want to see you all happy and loving while on my dream vacation either.  (God totally had my back in Bali, I saw no couples that looked happy, not one single one.  There they were all the way around the world and they all, at least where I was staying, looked miserable...maybe God is telling me something?)

Stumbling in may not be the best methodology for success in any area, but it seems to be working for me.  And perhaps the acceptance I need to find about my love life is just something that is going to have to stymie me until the pain is great enough to cause me to let go. Perhaps, I have stumbled into confirmed bachlorettehood, and I just refuse to notice?

Again, still...