The Ever Changing Channel of Dementia...

I went to visit my dad yesterday.  When I got there, he was sleeping. He looked so frail.  So delicate.  Such a weird feeling to have about a man that was always larger than life, such a force in this world.  But there he was, lying prone on his bed in memory care.  It was a weird feeling.

I thought he might wake up in a bit so my daughter and I went to sit in the common area living room that is just outside his room.  We weren’t alone for long.  We were joined by first one woman and then another.  We sat and talked to them for about 20 minutes.  Or rather, we listened while one of them talked...

It was like watching TV with a toddler who has just recently learned to change the channel.  The topics changed rapidly, interspersed with words that didn’t make sense and sometimes were not really even words.  The woman talking had life accomplishments, a family and the like, but her mind, at least yesterday, was that of some weird amalgamation of little girl, insolent teen and aging woman.  It was fascinating and heartbreaking. And at times, quite funny.

She rebelled.  She discussed.  She swore.  She was all over the place and I found it so very interesting to have this ring side seat to her mind in free flow.  

She does the same thing my dad does: uses words that are kind of filler words, “well, you know”, “you better believe it”, “ “well, of course.”  They sometimes match the conversation, and sometimes they do not.  They are sentences they can grab in the moment that are sometimes appropriately applied and other times, they just fill the place where actual conversation occurs.

It was impossible to know what was real and what was just some mix up in her mind.  Her reality and mine are not the same.  And I realized how hard I found it to not know if the sadness I saw sweep across her face was because she missed the man she was talking about or whether it was a memory, or whether it was wholly fabricated.  Was this man her husband?  Son?  Brother? You can ask her but you have no idea whether the question is answered with something that is loosely tied to reality.

My mom was there with my dad yesterday about lunch time.  He was sitting at the table ostensibly waiting for lunch to be served.  They waited an hour.  When no food came, my mom asked if lunch had already been served.  It was confirmed that lunch had been served before her arrival.  Well, not according to my dad...

It was fascinating to watch the short circuit of their minds.  To see the things they perseverate on, the things they get upset about (real and imagined), and the things they find funny and enjoyable.  It is a mixed bag for sure.  And it is ever changing.  Any moment they possess is only the right here and right now.

I checked on my dad a couple of times, he remained asleep.  I didn’t wake him, he seemed especially delicate yesterday...and my mom confirmed he was frail and wobbly.

So we decided to leave and try again today.  When we left our living room host was refusing the aide’s polite requests to help her with a shower.  She was having none of that.  NONE!  She informed them clearly, concisely and with profanity that they could request her to take a shower as much as they liked, but she would, not in fact, be taking one.  They could fuck right the fuck off.

I am not sure who won that battle, my money is on her.  She gave no vibes that she was going to comply with that request.  And while I am sure she likely needed a shower, I get the fact that one was not in the cards for her yesterday.

As I drove home, I thought about how amazing our minds are.  When they work and when they don’t.  The things that remain lodged there forever, and all the stuff that is lost along the way.  Such an interesting process that is also heartbreaking at the very same time.

I am grateful to be able to appreciate the ever changing channel of their minds.  I am grateful I don’t find it painful or too sad (well, most of the time).  I am grateful that I can remain undisturbed even when they are most unhappy.  And I remain very grateful that my mind currently “works” at least most of the time.  I am grateful for my ability to move with the flow instead of against it.  And I remain very grateful to the frontline workers who show up to care for our loved ones who are quite literally not in their right minds...walking the gauntlet with them as the channels flip through in no particular order.

Again, still...