The Ever Changing Idea of Self Care...

Once upon a time, self care meant little sleep, drinking 24/7, smoking two packs a day and cavorting with men who were like an amusement park ride.  I KNOW no one but me would call that self care, but I did.  And to some degree, it was.

That was the person I was back then...that was the best she could do.

Then self care morphed into sobriety.  I changed from a hard partying, pulling all nighters into a person who was up before the sun and sober.  It was an abrupt change in direction.  It took a long time to settle into the “new” me.

Along with sobriety came fitness.  I gained 30 pounds in my first six months of sobriety.  I was downing sugar putting myself in danger of a diabetic coma.  Fitness and the gym became a MUST.  If you see photos of me right before I got sober and 5 months later when I gained 30 pounds, you would think I looked heavier while still drinking, that is how bloated and swollen the booze had made me.

So self care morphed again.  And I became gym obsessed, often sneaking out of work early so that I could go get my fitness on.  I started running and spent the next decade running about 70 miles a week.  Gym time 5 days a week and running all the damn time.  I absolutely thank myself for this version of self care, while at the very same time, being a little pissed because that time preserved muscle tone and overall fitness but fucked up my hips.

My self care went on an unpermissioned hiatus when I became a mom.  I mean, at a time when my body should have been the most important thing in my life, I treated it like an after thought.  I was severely diabetic during both pregnancies and while I had to watch what I ate, I didn’t feel great and so all the fitness came to an abrupt halt.  And I will admit, it was hard to get it started again.

But I did.  The gym and running came back, sporadically but it did return when my kids were little.  Then came tennis.  The sport of my youth came back with a vengeance and I joined two teams and played as much as I could.  And this further damaged what running had started a decade earlier.  Now running and tennis are both off the table...I mean, if I want to walk.

Once I left my marriage, I didn’t have time for self care because I was working way too much, and the time I wasn’t working, I was spending time with the kids and attempting to keep up with all the other stuff I had going on in my life.  That first five years after my divorce were hard years.  I was tired.  I was spread very thin and my self care was pretty sporadic.  I did it when I had time, and I rarely had time.

My mental health has always been something that I tended to however.  I have been a lifelong participant in therapy.  Attending almost weekly now for 30 years.  I just need it to keep me stable, focused and growing.  This might not be what everyone needs.  But I do.  Would I drink or kill myself if I stopped going to therapy?  No, I don’t think I would.  But I know that I have a lot of healing to do emotionally, sexually and spiritually and for me, therapy is the best place to do this.  My therapist of the last 10 years is amazing and I love the continuity of our relationship.  I think when she retires, that might be the end to therapy for me...but who knows, I close no doors on therapeutic intervention in my case.

About five years ago, I was unhappy in pretty much every area of my life.  And so my self care went through an overhaul.  Like most things in my life, I had to burn it down to build it up...and this time was no different.

Today, self care looks like the gym five days a week, working with a trainer to keep my fitness goals in check, attainable and safe.  My diet is still a varied and fluctuating thing but I eat clean for the most part and forgive myself the nightly ice cream bowls because, well, life is just too short to not enjoy as much ice cream as one can!  And that belief is also self care as I have come to know it.

I get 8 hours of sleep most nights.  I spend time reading and relaxing everyday.  I walk, often, about 15 - 20 miles a week.

I pray and meditate daily.  I write daily.  I take inventory daily.  I spend time in nature daily.  I orient myself and my day towards the spirit world every morning and then try to live each day as if I was not tethered to my past and uncertain of my future.  I tackle each day with an idea that I may not ever be better than you, but I can be better than I was yesterday, most of the time.

Today self care looks like a lot of alone time.  I need the quiet and time to reflect on life as it is unfolding.  I spend time with others, but find myself in need of more and more solitude as time marches on.  I snuggle with my cats every morning and every evening.  Laughing at their quirks and weirdness, which makes life more enjoyable for me.  I know perhaps not everyone needs 11 furry little weirdos to light up their life, but I do.

I am still working out the whole work thing.  I will admit I am totally in my way in this regard and I can feel myself languishing.  If there has been one area of my life that has been way out of balance over the past few years, it would be this one.  I seem to be able to show up and kill it for others, but will not put that same effort and drive into doing it for myself which is a pretty damning statement.  Working is something that the universe has put on hold due to my ongoing disability with my neck, and I have to say, this is really fucking me up.  I want to work.  I need to work.  I am making the most of my down time but the lack of work after all those years of working so much is a hard down shift...

In short, I try to get up everyday and treat myself as if I love me.  I mean, most of the time, I do love me, but I find that often my behavior doesn’t really reflect an idea and commitment that looks all that loving.  I can still be my own worst enemy...and self care looks like owning that and working on that, daily.

I think we all get a little lost in the early years of our lives.  Putting too much effort into work, child rearing and climbing the work ladder.  Self care in middle age looks different with new motivators appearing in the mirror every single morning.  But I want to maintain my longevity because I want to be able to enjoy my life and I will admit, I also want to feel good about how I look doing it...vanity lives on apparently.

Self care is the foundation of my ability to serve others.  To show up for and in the lives of others, authentically and honestly.  I can’t sacrifice myself into nothingness and expect my relationships to move forward in a healthy fashion.  I have to put me first so that I can then show up in real time for others. Sometimes this requires that I let others down, because I need a day to myself or my schedule doesn’t permit what they would rather have me do...that is ok.  I have learned, slowly, that it all starts with me and I suppose, it shall end with me too.

Self care used to feel so selfish to me.  I judged my progress in life by how much I ignored myself in favor of others.  Today, I have let that idea die a natural death and focus on taking care of me so that I may, in turn, show up and care for others.  The result?  Balanced, healthy relationships that are founded on self care and mutual support and love.  I didn’t know that the way I lived was a roadmap for my relational progress.  But I did.  How you do anything, is how you will do everything...

Again, still...