The Fallacy of Sandy...

I was in 4th grade when Grease came out.  My mom and I saw it 9 times that summer it was released, maybe more.  That movie was everything to me.  I wanted to be Sandy and I, quite desperately wanted a Danny.  I knew the entire soundtrack by heart, still do, if you must know.  I could recite the lines of the movie back.  I was captivated.  I was sure that I wanted to be Sandy and I am sure that at least some of my issues going forward were because of what I took away from that movie.

I was outgoing but I was also shy.  I did not want the spotlight but I didn’t want to be invisible either...I wanted to be appreciated for who and what I was, even though I had no idea what the fuck that looked like at 9.  I am not blaming the movie, at least not yet...I am saying that my mind took a lot of what went on in that movie and made it some sort of law for me.

My take aways were as follows:

Goody Goodies are no fun.

Drinking and smoking are cool (I already thought that because drinking and smoking were everywhere by in 1979).

Rebellious boys were wayyyyy better than jocks.  Although jocks will do in a pinch.

I needed to be as skinny and pretty as Sandy

And the thing I really think fucked me up the most was what happened to Sandy in that movie.

Sandy was smart, pretty and self possessed.  She knew who she was.  And Danny fell in love with her because she was who she was.  It was only when her being her was brought into his world of reputation and coolness, that he had a hard time still appreciating her for who she was.  When he was with her all summer, she allowed him to become something other than a hooligan.  And he was mesmerized by her beauty and charm, and he respected her.

But under the white hot spotlight of high school, Sandy was not cool.  She was too prissy and pure.  And it was a hard match up for the two lovers from there forward.

All along the movie, Sandy knows who she is and who she is not.  And Danny still loves her for it.  He attempts to change for her, but his rebellious ways refuse to allow that to actually take.  Instead, he continues to be who he is and so does she.  But the problems persist.

Then Sandy becomes “hopelessly devoted,” which ultimately leads to her great transformation that occurs at the end of the film.  Sandy, goody goody no more, becomes a siren, a vixen, clad in black leather and awash with sexuality and appeal...she gives up her proper, conservative ways and joins Danny in Greaserville.  I mean, it is the only way this whole movie plot works out.

I can see now my love of that movie and of Sandy, in particular, set me up for a lifetime of chameleonism.  The message I received, not saying it was the one the movie sent, but the one I received was that I was not ok as I was, that in order to be picked, wanted, desired and selected I had to become something other than what I was. Which at 9 was not sexy, sophisticated or cool.  Probably that was on track for 9. But you couldn’t have told me that back then.  I knew exactly who I wanted to become and it was NOT the version of Sandy I more closely resembled in real life.  I did not want to be smart, or good or sweet.  I wanted to be sexy, cool as fuck and desired.  I made a decision.  The Erin I was would just never do.  I needed to become the altered version of Erin, just like Sandy did.

Well, Sandy got Danny in the end and I got a long line of wannabe Dannys I suppose.  None of them stuck but that didn’t stop me from trying.  But what I really got from the movie was this idea that I, of myself, as I was, was not ok.  I needed to be something other than who and what I was.  I needed a good transformation. And it took me like 45 years to get there really but I feel that somewhere in the last 5 or so years, the transformation was complete.

Now, here I am at 55, having worked all this time to become what I thought I need to become in order to...to, to get what?  Danny?  Well, the joke is totally on me, because I am right now the best version of myself I have ever been and there is not a Danny in sight, anywhere.

And now I am left grappling with the Fallacy of Sandy.  Why did she need to change?  Why couldn’t the two of them rise above the whole stupid high school bullshit and love and appreciate each other for who they were, no alterations or changes?  Because that doesn’t sell movies.  But at 9, I didn’t know that.  I thought it was a life lesson.  And I took it that way and applied it to myself and my life. And here I am at 55 wondering who I would have become if I hadn’t decided to become Sandy, instead of Erin.

I know, for me, (I will leave Sandy out of this for a minute) that I absolutely knew that me as myself was never going to be enough.  I needed to become something other worldly.  I needed a make over and fast.  And to a large degree, I have been running that script ever since.  And it is only now, at the ripe old age of 55, that I have begun to unpack exactly what I did to myself when I was 9.  I don’t blame 9 year old me.  She did the best she could.  But I can’t help but wonder, what the fuck would my life have been like if I would have seen the Fallacy of Sandy way back then?  What if I would have seen that Sandy was fine as she was and the leather clad smokeshow didn’t need to happen?  And that Sandy was just absolutely wonderful as she was?

I know I would have been different.  Not, perhaps better, but absolutely different.  My takeaway from that movie was “you, Erin, are NOT ok as you are, you need to become something else entirely...”  And so I did.  And now after all these years I am only now seeing how my absolute belief in the Fallacy of Sandy took me down a road that was perhaps not necessary or required.  Who would I have been if I could have spotted the Fallacy of Sandy way back then?

Different script, different movie, different life.

But it does lead me to some pretty interesting thought trains today. Mostly, what was so wrong with me back then that I was unhappy not being me?  Why did I ever believe, for a second, that I could ever be anyone else? How much would my life have been easier, if I could have, way the fuck back then just been ok with being Erin.  The regular, plain Erin instead of attempting to become Sandy, the fancy Sandy?

Well, back then is lost to time and space, but, I can continue the fight to just accept myself as I am, right here and right now. And give up the idea that I was ever supposed to be anyone else...I can rewrite the Fallacy of Sandy to something that perhaps better suits the person I am now. I mean, really, did I really ever think I was going to be Olivia Newton John?? Makes me LOL and cry at the same time...

Again, still...