The Gift of Not Knowing...

I like to think I know...things, shit, people, the way this whole life thing is going to sort itself out.  I don’t.  And sometimes, that lands hard in me.  I want to KNOW!  NOW!  Please...

But lately I have been living in the notion that perhaps, just maybe, not knowing is a better gift.  I am not one for surprises, so it takes me a minute to get on board with the idea that I do not know what is going to happen...and not have that thought be terrifying.

I can see now, that my ideas that I know this person, or that this is going to happen, or that is what is meant to be, is all bullshit.  Everyone surprises you, in lovely ways and not so lovely ways, what happens next is somewhat predicable but never certain.  Life will always bring an element of the unknown and that is where life leaves us hanging.  A cliff hanger...what will life bring next?

Of course, we all hope for the good shit:

Falling in love.

Money.

Success.

Health.

Longevity.

Respect of family and friends.

Useful and meaningful purpose.

And we all seek to avoid:

Criticism.

Blame.

Health issues.

Rejection.

Betrayal.

Fear.

Insecurity.

And it has taken me this long living to realize that there is always a bit of bad in all that good and a bit of good in all that bad.  Nothing is all one thing.  Life is too varied and interesting for that.  If good was just good, how boring would that be?  And if bad was just B A D, what a waste that would be also.

I have learned way more in this life from the shit I fucked up, took for granted, didn’t see coming, feared, and had to accept, which in the moment, felt unacceptable...so many gifts in all that awful.  So, so many...

The best one I can think of is when I hit bottom and had to do something about my drinking...I thought my life was O V E R!  But really, the way I was living was more akin to dying and the way to a life greater than I could have ever imagined was just starting.  I got it all wrong.  What I thought was the end of everything fun and good was really just the removal of a great deal of dysfunction that was blocking me from all the great life potential...but I certainly didn’t see it that way at the time it was happening.

But I totally do now.  I still love to ride the highs of the highs in life.  But I am way less scared of the lows.  I see the hidden gems in all the shitstorms, I see the path forward, that may feel harder but in the end brings me to a place of greater peace, understanding and love, if only for myself.

Today, I know the least I have ever known about how this whole life things works out.  And I am grateful...all that time I spent predicting the future, and insisting that life bend to my will, just left me empty and less capable of dealing with whatever came next, good or bad.

The longer I am here, the less I know, and I am so grateful for that.  I don’t know how this whole thing is going to go, what I am absolutely certain of, however, is that I want to be here for whatever it is.  The good, the bad, the hard, the ugly, the excruciating because I no longer believe that a successful life is one that is built on only seeking good shit and avoiding bad.  Life today is so much richer, fuller and deeper than all that.  And the best way to embrace that is to remind myself, as often as I can, that I do not know, and that is probably one of the greatest gifts of living, if you can take it...

Again, still...