I was walking the dogs last evening, content, happy, grateful that the heat subsided enough to actually take the dogs with me last night. It was a lovely evening: warm air, beautiful sky, another day well lived.
My mind raced around to many things...the usual things I think about when walking: love, relationships, lack of love, longing, fear, death, friendship, work, people, animals, my cats. Nothing unusual in any of it. Oh and dating, I think about that more than I should for someone who is back on a mansbatical...wait, it isn't really a mansbatical. I am taking time for me, men really have nothing to do with it. Its an Erinsbatical where I take time away from me, with me. I makes sense if you don't think about it.
And for some reason I thought about this date I went on with this guy about five years ago. He lived in LA so we talked a great deal but only met once. It was not a match for me. And part of the reason he was not a good fit was because of something he said on the date. When he said it, I felt like it was so sad and jaded. And I couldn’t relate. I was still in that "love can conquer all" thinking that has gotten me into so much fucking heartbreak.
So as I was walking last night, my mind turned to the date and the lovely man that sat before me. Clearly he had been through it. He’d had not one, not two, but three stalkers! I mean, I am not sure how one manages that but that seemed excessive to me at the time. And it made me wonder what he was doing honestly. I know, I know, I was victim blaming, but three women who needed restraining orders against them? I mean he was the common denominator. And as he sat before me, there was NOTHING in his demeanor that screamed maniacal lunatic or someone who would engender absolute insanity. At the time, if I am honest, I thought that he was overly valuing his worth and role in these women’s lives. And was likely super sensitive. I know, I am kind of an asshole sometimes.
Anyway, we were discussing the landmines of dating and how the whole fucking ridiculous endeavor felt like a waste of time. Yet there we were on a date. The irony didn’t escape me then or now. And then he made the statement that ended any chance of forward movement for me.
Now, in my defense, I wasn’t attracted to him. That spark, that THING just wasn’t there. So I was already not feeling it as they say. He was a perfectly great guy, and I liked him, just not like that, if you know what I mean. Anyway, we were talking about what we wanted in a partner and what our expectations were on a first date. And he said that what he wanted the usual things: someone attractive (to him), someone employed, someone who took care of themselves. I mean nothing really out of the ordinary.
But then we were talking about first impressions and dates. And he said that if a women really wanted to impress him she would show up for the first date with an envelope filled with three things: a background check, an STD results panel, and a credit report. In his mind, she would sit down, slip the sealed envelope over to him and then wait for him to open said envelope. If all things checked out, he would give her back the envelope and the date would continue. If all was not copacetic, he would say “thanks for not wasting my time” and then leave...not paying for the coffee or whatever.
Now, this was five years ago, pre-pandemic if I recall. And we live in a different world today. But even for the old world this felt weird. This felt off. This felt so incredibly jaded. I remember laughing but also thinking that I wanted to get the fuck out of there, like immediately. I wanted to similarly rise from the table and escape. I didn’t, I stayed and we talked some more and I then went home after telling him thanks but no thanks.
It was appalling to me that he would want those things on a first date. I was incredulous really. I mean how bad was his dating life that this was now his self described sexy maneuver? The hottest thing he could ask for from a woman on a first date were those things? Really?
Some time has passed and I think I know where he is coming from today. And while still very jaded, those things are actually quite vital to me now also. I mean, I do not want to move past the first date with someone whose financial, sexual or criminal past is going to fuck up my/our future. I am all about second chances, but at this point with almost 30 years sober, I just can’t do the whole man rebuild thing again. I do not want a rehab project. I want someone who has done the work, cleared up their shit and is ready to build a future together. And I see today that I cannot and do not want to build that with someone who has a seriously fucked up criminal history, someone who has sexually transmitted issues, and is on the brink of financial ruin.
The other thing that got me about the whole jaded but vital three things was that he wanted it on the first date and at the time, I was thinking perhaps those items were things to be asked for later. And that right there is what led me to the disastrous relationship I just blessedly ended. I didn’t ask for those things soon enough and I should have. The first date would have been a totally appropriate time in fact. And I would have saved myself a great deal of trouble had I insisted at the time for those vital but jaded three things.
And I have come around to the idea that a first date is not a totally out of whack place to ask for those things. And I am now in agreement that perhaps a sleek brown envelope with those things inside would be a very hot start, most especially if those items insides prove up a lack of venereal disease, financial solvency and a lack of a past that is going to require monumental amounts of effort to overcome.
I used to think it was romantic to rebuild together. To tackle the collective past and heal together. My experience has been that I heal. I do the work, but the men, not so much. I am financially solvent. I do not have a criminal record, hell I don’t even have a driving record...I mean I had to get one about five years ago for something and that fucker was just totally blank...which made me proud and also made me a little disappointed in myself as a rebel. And I am all clear on the whole STD front as well.
I am in recovery. That man was not. And so I know that the pool of people I am in recovery with do have checkered pasts. It just comes with the addict/alcoholic territory. And I am ok with that. I guess what I am saying is that I want it disclosed up front and mostly handled. No one has a past that is completely relegated to the past. Everyone has a history that affects the present. I just want to know sooner rather than later I guess. And the first date is as good a place as any, I suppose.
And I guess the other thing I am saying that I have never said before is that I want proof. Yes, I feel that jaded. I would like to see the documents. And if you aren’t willing to proffer those items up, then I just would rather move on. I would rather just not have to find out the hard way when we go to buy a car together or want to buy a piece of land in Mendocino and you can’t because of the uncleaned up wreckage of your past, which is now also your present.
I guess what I am saying is that I want to know what I am getting into now. Before I was much more of a risk taker. I had the previous attitude of “Fuck it, how bad could it be?” And after my most recent experience, the answer to that question is “pretty fucking bad.”
No, it is not fair to hold others accountable for the mistakes or misdeeds of someone else. That is true. Which is why I am not dating. I would totally do that right now. My world was so up ended repeatedly (I know, I know I was the idiot that kept allowing him back in) that I am in a place where I just can’t in good conscious right now. I have some stuff of my own to heal that wouldn’t show up on any of those three jaded, vital reports. But they would fuck up the relationship for sure. And I know that. Which is why I am sitting the dating life out right now.
And as a progress report, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. And I am certain it is NOT the train. I have hope for a different future mostly because I am over here doing the work I need to do so that I do not make the same mistake again attempting to heal a childhood wound with a grown ass man who hasn’t done shit to heal their own stuff. I seriously do not know what the fuck I was thinking. I just know that before the last one, I absolutely believed in the power of love and still was naive enough to believe that everyone else believed that too.
Going a couple hundred rounds with a narcissist will give you a new perspective if nothing else. And make you poorer, and more jaded and also wiser, if you take the time to learn your fucking lesson. And so that is what I am doing. I can see that I got into the whole prior debacle because I did not value myself. I thought that was someone else’s job. I thought my job was to be loving and supporting and present. And I thought the guy would do the same. I was wrong. Very fucking wrong.
It is MY job to value myself enough to not allow someone like that into my life in the first place. That was my first and fatal mistake. I didn’t value me enough to demand more so I just kept accepting less and less. And one more time, it was that fucking twisted jerk of an ego that ensnared me once more. I thought I was more capable, more loving and that delusion got me whacked down good.
So in conclusion, and also in apology to that man who sat before and bared his soul by demanding proof of functionality from his prospective lovers, I say that I think an early conversation and proof exchange isn’t such a bad idea after all. And I will also own that I have always been down for the conversation, I just didn’t ever believe before now that proof was required. And that is changing for me. In today’s world, people lie. They lie about little things, big things, sexually transmitted things. People fucking lie. And so, perhaps, some documentation is now warranted.
I hate this being true. I really want to believe in people. And I don’t want to feel like my day job has bled into my personal life, but I guess it has. And that too has gotta be ok. Because just like everything else in life, you need what you need. And you want what you want. And I intend to do a better job of marrying those two things up - need and want...the two things that so very often are in a constant state of conflict with want over shadowing need for the better part of my life. Today, I am listening for and allowing for need to hold a better marketshare on my existence.
Because what I have learned is that if you lead with want always and ignore the needs you will fucking regret it. But perhaps, if I learn to lead with need, my wants will just get addressed one way or the other. And as someone who has historically and pathologically denied her own existence of needs, this feels like growth.
So when I re-enter the dating world in January of 2025, and you want to ask me out, showing up with an envelope with the three jaded but vitally magical three would be an awesome fucking start...
Now if I could just remember that guy’s name...I think it was Dave. Fuck, I guess I need to do a better job at that too. Remembering people’s names. Ok, I am adding that to the list! Progress isn’t alway linear...sometimes it comes on walks while remembering events that at the time they occurred were not that important to you at all. But life has a way of making things that seemed innocuous become vital...and boy have I learned that lesson in the last two years!
Again...still.
FUCK!
Commentaires