The Space Between...

I think they call it liminal space.  That space between one thing and another.  Where you aren’t to the next thing yet, but you are done with the last thing.  I feel like I am in this state now on a whole bunch of levels and in so many areas of my life.

And I realize what a gift it is to sit in this space between what is done and what is coming, and have a certain measure of comfort in it.  I am pretty sure when you are comfortable in this middle space, it is the start of growing differently.

Normally, when I find myself in this space, I do something to make it become what is next.  I take action that will launch me out of this space between.  I want to shorten it, mitigate it, end it.  But for whatever reason, I have no desire to do that right now.  Things are in flux and not all sorted, but I am ok with it.  I know something else is coming, and I can wait for it.

Perhaps it is because the blush and promise of youth is fading and the older you get the less likely something amazing happens and the more likely something horrific happens.  Old age, sickness and death wait for us all on the backslope of life’s mountain. Perhaps it is easier in middle age to sit and wait, because the likelihood of something shitty occurring increases with each passing day. Or maybe we are just tired at this point in time and prepping for a full scale launch requires too much effort?

Those are pretty sobering and negative thoughts...but not untrue.

But this post is about the positive, I am just wondering if perhaps that is why it feels easier now.  And also perhaps evidence of some mindset adjustments I might need to make...

Anyway, my point is that I think we begin to grow differently when we can sit peacefully in this liminal space, this space between what is done and what is coming. Of course we are always in this state because every dawn brings a new day and then a new way to live, with new options and opportunities and sadness and loss.  Each day is filled with both.  Always.

But I do think there are stretches of time in our lives where we are being ushered into something else, a different way of being, a different state of mind, body and experience.  And I know, for myself, I have been ridiculously impatient.  Like I have not waited to see what might unfold.  I just decide what I want to unfold and then I make it fucking happen.  No telling what the universe was going to send, I have never waited to find out.  I have always flung myself into whatever was expedient.  And then spent a great deal of time cleaning up that particular disaster.

Right now, my life is pretty simple.  I get up and write every day, I go to work, I work out, I go see my dad, I take care of my pets, I read, and I go to bed.  That is my life.  I also periodically see friends, go out to dinner, take a trip and parent.  It is no accident that as my children need less care from me, my parents need more.  I see the balance and am grateful for it.  I am very grateful my parents did not need me a great deal 10 years ago when I was returning to the work force and attempting to get a handle on single parenting and dating and living life as a divorced woman.  I would have snapped.  But now, in this time, in this place, I have time for it all.  Not without costs and consequences, but I have the time.

So right now I feel like I am in between the children launching into their own lives and my parents needing more from me.  And I feel like this place, this time is all right and ok.  I do not wish it to be different because I know different is coming no matter what I do.

I think mostly I feel blessed to be ok in this transitory time.  That I do not feel the need to fling myself into whatever would get me out of right here, right now.  I am content sitting within the liminal space between what is passing and what is coming.

I am mostly filling up this space with cats...I mean, not intentionally, but it is what is happening...

And I do think my ability to sit quietly in this space between is the beginning of growing differently than I have in the past.  I used to only learn the stove was hot by placing my fully open hand upon the burner.  Then I got a little wisdom and realized that I could still tell whether the stove was hot if I just hovered my hand above the burner.  So I have grown, and changed and matured.

But now I guess I know whether the stove is hot because I know when I last used it.  I know when it was last ignited so I have no need to approach the stove or verify because I am confident of my recollection of the times just passed and need no further confirmation.  And I know, most likely anyway, the stove will ignite again when it is needed or it is time.  It will happen, because it always has so far.

So I do feel like I am growing differently than I have in the past and this is giving me the peace and comfort I need in this transitory time where things are not all resolved and what is coming has yet to arrive.

The space between is where we live our lives...”The space between your heart and mind is the space we’ll fill with time...”  Dave Matthews Band

And that is what I feel like I am doing these days, filling up my days with time, whilst I explore what reigns in my heart and mind...again, still.