In My Way...

I have been writing lately about feeling stuck, in the midst of change but with no clear direction.  I have a few options for my life and its future trajectory but seem unable to land on what feels like a viable course.  So I know it isn’t time to decide (thus the post about the hallway yesterday) but I am finding that the biggest issue besides being ill contented in the hallway, is that I am in my own way, again, still.

I have worked for myself in my life and for others.  I have been mostly successful at both.  Bringing to the table resources, energy, drive, zeal and creativity.  I started a successful law practice right outta law school back in the day. No experience, just a lot of guts and belief in myself.  And I loved working for myself. It provided me such an amazing life. Since then I have mostly worked for others...not exactly sure why, but I think, it had a lot to do with mothering and the relative demands of that particular endeavor.  I didn’t have a lot left over to extend myself to being solely responsible for paying the bills.  I needed a paycheck...and so I got jobs that would give me one.

I am at a place where I no longer am willing to do that.  I do not want to work for anyone else, ever.  And I have had my own gig going with coaching and mediation for the past four years.  But I haven’t really done what I could with it.  I have allowed it to languish, rest in some sort of middle state that just kinda limps along.  I have not applied myself to the business and it shows.

Why?

Mostly because I have been distracted by other things.  And while I am not giving excuses, I am stating a fact.  I allowed a particularly bad relationship derail me.  I was consumed with him and all his drama and didn’t have the energy and time to dedicate to myself.  A huge red flag that I just painted green and moved forward.

That set me back a bit in launching my own life...for sure.

I have worked so hard to make other people millions, but I have lacked the willingness to do the same for myself.  Why???

I am not sure yet...I am working through this question right now.  Why am I willing to show up every day for someone else and work super hard to make their business more successful?  And since I have the skills to do this, why am I not willing to do this for myself?

I think part of it is the paycheck.  The work I do for others is immediately compensated with money.  And so the effort is quickly rewarded...whereas for my own deal, the money is less guaranteed but possible in greater amounts, but the payoff is always going to be in the future.

I have asked myself if I am afraid of failing and no, not really.  I have never been afraid of failing.  And (I say this without arrogance or ego) I haven’t really failed much in my life.  I set a goal, I did the work, I met the goal and then set another one.  There are no resounding failures in my life, not even my relationships...sure some of them were a fucking disaster but this is the way I am most broken so it stands to reason this would be the place I have struggled the most and had the hardest time.  I don’t think any of my relationships were failures though...I learned, I grew, I behaved well.  All in all successful, even though they ended.

Perhaps, I am afraid of success?  Perhaps I am afraid of being successful in my own right?  I don’t know, I mean, why would this scare me? The only thing I can think of is that I am afraid of launching something that is going to consume me.  I mean, we all know I have commitment issues.  Perhaps that is boomeranging back around for me right now and is blocking me from committing to myself. I have often joked that when I am dating someone I kinda feeling like I am cheating on myself.  It is funny and also kinda true. Perhaps this commitment phobia is in my way here?  

I think maybe but I have no trouble committing to other things:  the gym, meditation, writing, friendships, my kids, my family.  Sure men have been an issue but I don’t seem to have this issue in other areas, so it seems unlikely that it would show up in my work, but maybe it is.  I am mulling that over.

I guess perhaps I am asking the wrong question...I know I am in my way, so perhaps the reasons why I am there blocking my progress is less important than the fact that I just am.  Perhaps the better question would be:  how do I get out of my way and move forward?

I am working that out also...

I think, like anything else, I just have to begin.  I have a lot of creative projects underway for this year.  My book, the one I have been writing for the last 30 years, will be out this fall.  I am terrified and excited at the same time.  I am starting a podcast next month...it will be related to divorce and relationships.  Stay tuned.  My neck is still super messed up so I am out on disability for the time being and am trying to use this down time to figure out what I want to do when I heal and begin anew...

I guess what I want more than anything else is to stop the incessant thinking about my life as this problem to be solved.  It isn’t a problem, I am here living this life and on the whole it is wonderful.  I am, like everyone else, doing my best every day to grieve my recent losses, take care of myself, adjust to a somewhat empty nest, show up for my mom and navigate the world as a middle aged, single woman.  That is kind of a lot on any given day!

I know I am in my way and I guess after all of the above, I arrive at the place where the reasons I am in my way matter less than the fact that I just am, in my own way.  I can just decide today to get out of my own way as best I can. Do something to clarify what I want and what I am willing to do to get it.

Again, still...