Character Development...

Let me start off by saying that all of my character development has been against my will...I have not arrived at this place in life as a good citizen by virtue.  I have arrived here as a decent human being because I have fucked up a lot.  And I have had to fix things repeatedly.  My life lessons have worn a groove because I am stubborn and pigheaded.  I maintained for a very long time, the stove was NOT hot, and got burned badly more than a few times.  Mostly with men, I will also confess...

But each time I laid my delicate skin on that hot stove, I did learn. Somethings I learned after one instance...I was like, “Um fuck no, that was painful and I am never doing that again...” And I didn’t.  Lesson provided, lesson learned.  

But then there are all those other times when a smart, intelligent person should have learned the lesson after once, or at least twice.  But this is where I behave as if I am incredibly stupid.  I acted like that stove was not hot at all and then the attendant scaring was also not a drag to have to heal, again, still.  But I will claim, that each time I laid myself bare, vulnerable and wasted onto whatever painful character developing situation, I did learn.  I think some lessons in this life just come in tiny increments because that is the only possible way that we shall ever learn.  It is like the lesson too great and so the universe knows we need to slow it down, break it into tiny parts so that it can be assimilated into our souls...

I wanted to not have to be this stupid about so many things.  I wanted to have good character just be a thing. But apparently, my innate state was lacking and so the past 31 years have been a challenge a great deal of the time. (No, I am not delusional that I am only 31...I just don't count my before sober time because, well, drinking yourself almost to death every day, should not count for much...).

And I will also own here that my most challenging area has been relationships.  I think I was off from the start because I just didn’t value myself.  I have lots of reasons why, but I did a very good job of hiding behind ego which just masked the lack of worth I felt with a bravado and a fun personality.  I had a devil may care attitude, or at least that is what I projected.  Inside I was really just terrified.  A frightened child who could not, would not, admit she was scared.  And that persisted for way longer than I care to admit.  

Today, I can admit that people still terrify me.  Most especially in close, intimate capacities.  And I am a long standing runner...so I have avoided a lot of character development because instead of staying to learn the lesson, I just took off and told myself a story about the whole thing that called what I was doing something else besides being afraid...

I don’t know if I will ever be all good in the relationship department.  I have done a lot of house cleaning in this area.  And my relationships, all of them, today, are pretty stellar.  I am honest, reliable, accountable and present. And I have let go of all those people who professed love and intimacy who were not capable of giving the same back.  There are no more narcissists in my life and I have spent the better part of the last two years meeting new ones that I have just side stepped even though there was a part of me that thought, “well maybe they aren't selfish asses, maybe I should stick around and see...”  Well you know what they say, “fuck around and find out!” And I am happy to report I did not, fuck around or find out.  I grew into a person who cared enough about herself and her own wellbeing that she just took the other persons’ behavior at face value, decided I didn’t want that close to me, and moved on.  No drama, no heartbreak, just a blessed ability to let go...and walk away...no running required.

I feel the most ready I have ever felt to welcome in someone who has done their own character development and isn’t mired in their victim story.  Who sees the value of personal responsibility and vulnerability.  Someone who wants to be a partner as much as they want to have one. Someone who is capable of love being two directional instead of a one way endeavor.  I feel like my character development in relationships has just gotten a PhD.  You may disagree and think I have been demoted to kindergarten, but I know the work accomplished because I have had to do it...day after mother fucking day.

Who knew that all of that dating behavior that kept resulting in me dating narcissistic assholes would someday be a thing of the past.  That I would walk through the fire of one bad relationship after another to a land that was built on self esteem and self worth.  Sometimes, at least for me, I had to figure out that I didn’t have any by dating people who showed me, quite literally, how desperately codependent I truly was...

So even when you fight the character development plots in your life...you can still grow.  It takes longer and is more painful when you fight it but it happens all the same.  Today, all the people in my life are good and I am good to them.  Love flows freely in all directions.  I have become the most loving force in my own life...and that would have never happened had I not been also one of the most destructive forces in my own life...

Again, still...