I am never, ever sure which one I should be doing. Historically, it has felt like I am acting when I should be waiting and waiting when I should be acting. It is a quandary...
And the two women (at least) that live inside my mind take these particular roles very seriously. VERY SERIOUSLY!
One of us is ALL ACTION, ALL THE TIME! She is the most impatient bitch and just will not be still or quiet or whatever.
The other one is sure that we should sit on a mountain top in full lotus for the rest of our lives...and maybe even after.
And as usual, my life gets caught in between the two extremists residing in my head.
I am learning that both have their place, and that I need both of them to find any kind of balance in this world. Like at all.
On a complete side note: this morning, my coffee tastes completely different, like it is some combination of pumpkin spice and hazelnut. And I have become convinced that the creamer factory, wherever such things exist, put the pumpkins spice creamer in the hazelnut bottle. And right this very second I am having a crisis of wondering if I should reach out to them to tell them or whether I should just let it go. One the one hand, seems like a great deal of effort on my part to inform them of their error. But perhaps I will be the only one that notices...No, I am sure I will not be the only one who notices.
Ok, sorry I digress...do you ever feel like your entire life is just one digression after another? Yeah, me too.
And so I arrive at this familiar yet hard to reach place, where I know that whatever action or inaction I have taken over the years has led me to this moment, where in the predawn hours of Thursday, March 7th I contemplate these such things and I do so from the safety of a very, very comfortable bed, my kid sleeping next to me, in my lovely, warm, safe home. Surrounded by cats and a dog who manages all their shenanigans. Money in the bank, bills paid. Healthy. Relatively sane. Sober (rapidly approaching 29 years of clean, healthy living) and I realize that all the waiting and not waiting and all the acting and not acting were absofuckinglutely necessary to get me to this moment where I come to a place to contemplate such things.
My conclusion is I always make the right choice. Even if it is wrong. Because all actions have led me to this place in time where I am good. All is well and I am present, sober and looking forward to the day ahead.
Apparently, not even I can screw this up too badly. I mean, I could if I were drinking...because if I am doing that, I am the ringmaster of the shitshow and the destroyer of all that is good, decent and holy. So thank fucking God I am sober.
Sober I have a chance to do better than my default which is to self destruct and then pull you into my orbit like some sort of black hole. Focusing my tractor beams on you and then ensuring the unhealthy and flaming demise of all I encounter.
So whether I am acting or waiting, I guess it all works out in the end. I am still here, getting to do this whole life thing. And it has all worked out in spite of me, and sometimes, even because of me.
Oh, and I am happy to report that I do not have to contact whomever the fuck makes coffee creamer...turns out someone threw some random coffee pod into my usual assortment so now I have a pumpkin spice, vanilla, hazelnut thing that kind of tastes like eggnog. I would give you the recipe but it isn’t good. I mean like at all. But I will drink it because I am too lazy to go make myself another cup, that is how cozy this bed is people. I seriously wake up at 4 am every day to be able to sit here in it, writing and drinking coffee and have a daily “appreciation of my bed” moment which last at least two hours, every single day!
And somehow with my fucked up coffee and bizarre mind, I find peace between the two halves of my whole, which can and will allow for what is meant to be to come to fruition and I am going to go make shit happen today. There is a balance to that particular pendulum and apparently I can find it right here, in my bed with my all fucked up coffee.
Again.
Still.
