What Arguments Are Really About...

I was talking to a friend last night.  We have been friends for a long time.  I have seen her single and childless, in a love that was all wrong for her, falling in love and getting married, having babies, getting divorced, being single, falling madly in love and that not working out, and then finding someone she cares for but feels stalled out with in this weird middle age spread.  The spread between getting the love you have always wanted and the love that you sort of have but it never feels like exactly what you are looking for...

They have been together for four years.  Both single parents doing all the heavy lifting with little to no reprieve.  They don’t have a lot of time for a relationship. But they have worked on it and here they are, four years later with older kids and now the prospect of regaining their lives back.

So the question has become, “what are we going to do?”  Which always ends in an argument.  Every.  Single.  Time.

They each need things from the other but seem to just be chasing what is rapidly becoming the inevitable conclusion:  They have taken this relationship as far as they can...and now the only thing left is the leaving.

Why?

Because they are stuck in that cycle where they each need something they are not getting from the other.  And despite talking about it ad nauseum, neither of them can seem to get past the expectations of the other.  He wants more time from her and plans for the future.  She wants him to make her feel safe, loved and adored.  She tries to discuss plans for the future but it is really hard to plan for a future with someone when your right now needs are not getting met, despite hours and hours of conversation about the same thing!

She wants to feel wanted, adored and desired by him.  He does not appear capable of doing any of those things in a way that is meaningful to her.  He shows up, he calls, he texts but there is no frothy emotions in this.  He doesn’t send her, “I can’t stop thinking about you...” Or “I want you so badly right now” or “I can’t wait to see you and rip your clothes off” or even “I love you and you are the best thing that has ever happened to me!”   No texts and it is certainly not being said to her directly.

She has asked, pleaded and begged him to give her any of the above once, for starters and then hopefully feel more comfortable doing it more often.  And he won’t.  Or he can’t.  It is a fundamental need for her and he knows it, they have discussed it forever.  He has said he will do better and then just doesn’t.  There is no effort despite his statements to the contrary.

But he shows up.  He calls, he texts, he is there for her and listens to her and wants to spend time with her.  He is talking about what their lives will look like in a couple of years.  But he is totally missing the point that if their right now doesn’t change, there will never be a future.

It is a circular argument that no one wins and every time they have it, it pushes them closer to the end of them...and I am sure that once the end comes, they will both feel relieved instead of sad because these types of ongoing conversations are exhausting on a cellular level that when they finally end, all you can feel is abject relief that it is finally over.

What are they really arguing about?  Intimacy.  In every argument for both of them is a quiet or not so quiet plea to be considered, chosen, understood, desired, wanted for who they are.  She wants to know that she lights up his world.  He wants to know that he isn’t wasting his time.  She needs more words of affirmation and desire from him and he needs more of her time and attention.  Despite the now weekly conversations about this same topic, they drift further and further apart, leaving her with this feeling of “why the fuck am I even doing this anymore?  Nothing ever changes!” I am quite sure he feels similarly.

It is so simple - it is the age old issue of saying things and doing things. Women will do the things but not say the things they don’t feel, men will typically say whatever but they don’t show up unless they are in it.  In their case, he is showing up and doing all the things a good partner would do, but he can’t say the words that she needs to hear.  She is showing up less and less because she says all the words and needs to hear them back, but doesn’t.

While I don’t think their dynamic follows the usual male/female relationship issues, it results in neither of them being happy even though the love is there and they have been together for a long time by today’s standards.

The solution, from my perspective, is simple, she needs to commit to a future with him and he needs to blow up her life with unadulterated, unfiltered lusty babble about how much she makes him shiver with desire and anticipation.  If either of them would do these two things, their relationship would move to another level and arguably they would both be happier.

But they don’t move out of this.  She won’t commit to a future because she is not getting her needs met now, so why would she agree to a future that promises her more of what she already has and is unsatisfied with?  He won’t give her all the loving adorations because...well, I can’t explain that really, if your partner that you love is asking for you to be more vocal about how they make you feel, and you feel that way about them, why can’t you just tell them?  But he can’t, or won’t...and neither of us can figure out why.

Is is a power thing?  Is it a traumatic response?  Is it just that he doesn’t feel those things?  Is it that he doesn’t want to be vulnerable?  Is it that he feels like he shows them already and so the words are superfluous?  

We don’t know, and can only guess.  What we do know is that he doesn’t do what she needs for her to be willing to commit to more than what they have right now.  And beneath all the arguments is a mutual desire to be seen, heard and loved for who they are.  Arguments really are a not so quiet way to beg for something you are not getting that you quite desperately need.

For me, watching this all unfold, makes me ineffably sad.  Two people who love each other but cannot for the life of them give the other person what they want and need.  Two ships passing in the night with the tide of resentment building.

The whole thing makes me despondent.  Does anyone ever get it right?  Why is loving so fucking hard?  Why do I believe it shouldn’t be hard?

I am grateful this is not me.  I would have left a long time ago.  After the 10th similar conversation. I would have accepted that things were not ever going to change and that I could not live with the way things were and I would have bolted.  She has more staying power than me, which currently, I am not sure is a good thing.

Good or bad it is where they are.  And I feel for both of them.  They are both trying, a lot.  And it seems unfair that despite all the effort being expended they are not able to move past this or at least make some progress.

Instead they seem perpetually stuck in a relational eddy that swirls them both round and round the same issue, threatening to sink the whole endeavor with each passing day.  And this makes me feel grateful to be single and not have that particular shitshow to deal with...and also, it makes me feel hopeless that love will ever work out, for some of us.

How can two intelligent people who care for, respect and love each other still be here? Why can’t they each give each other what they want?  I mean, it doesn’t seem all that hard, and yet, there they are, again, still...

For me, I am in a place that I can’t do the half measures anymore.  I can’t date one more person that is really not all that interested in me as a person.  I can’t date one more man that treats me like an option or drifts off to some other place when I talk of things that are important to me.  I can’t be with someone ever again who really demonstrates a complete lack of interest in me as a human.  I am only interested in a man who is interested in signing up for an evolving intimacy on a daily basis. One where we both marvel at the absolute miracle of each other every single day.  If I don’t rock his world, then please, just leave me alone.  And if you don’t rock mine, please just stop.

I am so tired of the half measure relationships.  Where the giving and receiving is so lopsided.  I am just so fucking done.  And as lonely as I feel right now, I would not trade one second of my solitude for some what’s his name that doesn’t listen and really isn’t interested in me at all.  He is interested in him...and what I can give him while he gives as little as he possibly can.  FUCK THAT!

In fact, I will go further to say that I am sadly reviewing the history of my relationships and find them so fucking lacking.  How did I settle for so little for so long?  Why does it appear to be so hard to find a man that is willing to give what he gets?  I just don’t get it.  I am baffled.

I could espouse all kinds of theories here, but I won’t.  I will save that for another day.  Today I am just swimming in the disappointment in today’s love and relationship sadness.  How we have more options for connection than we ever have had in the history of our species, but we still manage to fuck it up six ways from Sunday.  (Insert eye roll here).

Perhaps seeing arguments as bids for connection is a start.  Perhaps seeing that when someone cares enough to argue about something it means they are invested and are trying.  Perhaps the argument can be the vehicle for us to stop and evaluate what is going on, on a deeper level.  That the argument is really a cover for all the things we quite desperately need but are too afraid to say.  Not the most effective means of relating, but perhaps a willingness to see an argument as real life example of the investment the person has in the relationship, perhaps that could be a fresh start...

But who the fuck knows at this point...the world is spiraling out of control at a rate I can’t even contemplate anymore...it is hard not to just give up.