Is really none of my business. But I am never going to stop worrying about it apparently. And that is just reality, I guess. I think that my fear over what others would say, or do, controlled my life for a really long time. Always concerned with image management. How I looked equalled how I felt. I was so concerned for most of my life of being well thought of and it occurred to me yesterday that I have no idea if I am or ever have been well thought of. I mean I think there are a few people who hold me in high regard. But other people, not so much. And I am sure there is a lot of misinformation out there, which I have almost always felt was my obligation to correct, explain, justify, argue or defend. And that just got me into a place where that is all I did. Run around JADE (Justifying, Arguing, Defending or Explaining) myself. It was exhausting.
So I will not spend any time here doing that about what is currently going on in my life. I think that, no fuck that, I know that I have never intentionally tried to hurt someone, to do things to them to injure them or ruin their chance at a happy life. Since getting sober, I have tried to be of service. Not to self, although I am sure I have done that way more than I intended. I have tried to help where I could and do the work so that whatever fucked up shit I thought was a good idea at the time, I tried to do the work to heal those wounded parts of myself that cause me and others, pain, shame and perhaps even anger.
My life is taking several unexpected turns. And my need, desire, no really need, is for people to understand. And they don’t. No one really cares why I am doing what I am doing. They are much more content to fill in the gaps and write their own script about my life and my conduct, if they spend any time thinking of me at all.
I know that regardless of what some may say currently, I am really doing my best. Trying to walk that line of principle and the messy things that happen in life where the line between “right” and “wrong” and moral and good is blurred. Perhaps for some it isn’t. For some people it is super clear and that is great for them. For me, I am trusting that I wouldn’t have the current circumstances if I wasn’t supposed to. My lessons never come easy or without a great deal of introspection and inventory. That is just how it is for me.
I know that in the last few months, great changes have happened in my life. I have made hard choices about my work, my son, my career. I have had made those decisions based on really nothing but faith. Complete, blind faith that God, in his or her infinite wisdom, has carried me to this place where everything in my life is changing, almost all at once and that regardless of how it all turns out, it is all ok. Right now, in this minute. And in the future where my head seems to want to dwell. It ok there too.
My tasks are to be honest, to be open, and to be willing. To be honest about what I am doing and why. To be open to the fact that while this could just be another trauma response in a long line of trauma responses, it could also be something else all together. I just don’t know. And I am willing to own that I am not all better. I am not fixed just because I have put together a whole bunch of days in a row. I am flawed, imperfect and really doing my mother fucking best every day.
And there are some people that are going to want to nail me to the cross over that. And there are some that will sit in judgment and still others that will set out to interfere. But regardless of what is to come. I know what I am walking into and with every fiber of my being, I am trying to not injure myself or anyone else.
I have spent the second half of my life so far, healing from all the shit that went down before and I have made great strides. I am way less toxic and fucked up than I used to be. But I am still me, and that is always going to be a mixture of grace, fire, fuckedupness and love. Always. It is who I am. And I am not going to try to make anyone believe differently. I am not perfect, nor do I have it all figured out.
What I do know more than anything else in this world is that I am just another bozo on the bus. Trying to live a life that is based on faith, and hope, and love, and light. I am constantly concerned and interested in helping others and trying always to add more than I take.
Well I guess I did feel just a little need to justify myself here. And defend. And explain. And maybe even argue. Again, not all better over here. Just a woman, trying to do her best, to be real, authentic, while also being loving and forgiving when I, or anyone else, falls short of the mark.
I am happy with who I am today. Even though I can clearly see parts of myself that I wish were different. And in the end, all I can do is move towards the light, try not to hurt anyone to include myself and perhaps be the warning if I can’t be the example. I know this much is true: so many times I was the warning and the example. It is never up to me. I do not get to decide how this all works out. My job is to show up sober for each day and do my best to love without strings, to be of service and to stay sober. And I am grateful that life is really just that simple. And also grateful for programs to assist me in finding peace in the uncertainty, love in the face of fear and joy in all of my days.
