I feel like I am living some movie script...it is the same thing every day and yet I am surprised. Groundhog’s day isn’t for a few weeks and I am feeling like perhaps Groundhog Day took over the world two years ago and none of us noticed...until now.
I feel like there is no end to the sameness that is going on and even as I say that, I am sure that life is not the same today, even from yesterday. Life feels this weird and wild different sameness that is threatening to drive us all mad. I have been locked in my house now for 11 days and since I am still testing positive, I likely won’t be going anywhere soon. And I should be more upset about it, but I think I have just learned over the last two years, to just accept it. Staying home, not going anywhere, seeing people only as virtual subjects on a screen. Once upon a time that would have been historic and different but yesterday we just called it Monday.
I can’t really describe the way time feels anymore because I am both worried about how much I have left and bored with the amount of life that I am living right now just struggling to get back to some semblance of health. I feel caught in the hour glass, stubbornly jamming up the flow but sand still leaking out all round me.
It has been a long time it seems since anything felt new. I mean new stuff happens all the time, but it has been a long time since things felt new, crisp, exciting. I think that we have all just come to accept that life is different now and none of us are really sure what level of different we are going to get on any given day.
Right now the only really new things in my life are new COVID symptoms that seems to be coming daily. Yesterday I lost my taste and smell. So that’s fun. I have now had every single COVID symptom known to man. The universe took me literally when I said let me take my turn so that someone else doesn’t have to. You, over there, who is having almost no symptoms...you are welcome! Symptom Central over here!
All kidding aside, I keep trying to pinpoint when it happened that life would just keep delivering shut downs and viral spikes, society as we know it would so fundamentally change, and I would just say, “ok.” Like I just walked from one room to another, see I use that as the example because that is all I do these days is walk in a somewhat stupid state of COVID agitation from one room in my house to the next. Nothing to see here...except me in various states of illness and dress.
I guess what is new is that I am accepting all the change and just rolling with it. There was a time in my life where I would have been very upset about all the change, cancellations and alteration of plans. Today, why bother getting upset? It won’t change anything except make me disturbed and I am the only one that I am currently spending time with and I don’t want to waste my time with an asshole.
So I guess at the end of this, I am new. I am different. I am not the same person that I used to be. I do not know what I want. I do not know what I am doing. And I do not know what is going to happen and in some strange twist of fate, I am really all ok with all of it. I have always struggled to remain in the day that is actually occurring, but now it is much easier. I am just here, doing whatever thing I am doing now, and later I will be napping...that is guaranteed. Nothing to see here folks!
I am content today to sit here and watch my COVID symptoms spiral and be grateful that it isn’t worse. I take pleasure in getting out of bed and sitting in a chair. The change of perspective immense even though the view is pretty much the same. I am new. I don’t think I have ever been as aware as I am now about how much life is changing exponentially, but very quietly. Sure, the headlines scream it all day long but in reality, life is smaller, quieter and stiller than it has even been. Does anyone else notice? It feels to me like external distractions are being removed, so that perhaps we can all do some spiritual work with ourselves...but maybe that is just me. Yep, totally just me over here, doing my best to shut COVID down.
Quick Podcast update: I have pushed the podcast start date to February 2, 2022 for obvious reasons...it is coming I swear! I just have to be able to talk and not cough to get it done!