No I am not stalking someone...well, maybe I am. I am talking about my relationship with The Divine. Seems at times I feel closer, other times, very distant and still other times, I can’t seem to connect at all. So the question becomes who moved?
It is never God.
It would be so nice if this relationship I have with a Divinity that I avoided and insisted did not exist would wholly abandon me at times so that I could justify my utter lack of dedication and faith. But that doesn’t happen. Whenever I need God, God is there. Every fucking single time!
At times this really bothers me about God. It irks me. Why? Because I expect God to have the same kind of relationship with me that you do. If I am a jerk, you move away from me. Take your closeness and intimacy away, pull back, duck and run...something other than remain right there, loving me.
What the fuck?
But alas, it is me. Always fucking me that moves away from God. I pull back into myself and my delusions of control and then stay removed sometimes without my consent or control. It is hard. I always think that I am just busy or distracted or whatever, but it is always a great pulling myself away from the source of all that is good and holy...even If I don’t really believe in all that holy business.
I find that I am quite devout but to a God that I can tell you almost nothing about and a religion that is not well understood by many and always seems a little off putting to those who believe in the capital “G” God.
When I boil it all down, divinity is present all the time, like gravity. There are not some people more affected by gravity...we are all subject to the same force and effect, at all times. It is just the way it is. So it is with source too. I know that there is a guiding force, a loving kindness that exists in my life at all times, whether or not I can access it in the moment, day or week. It is there nonetheless. And it is always me that has moved away not the source.
Because source cannot move, just like gravity...gravity is not more present on Tuesday than Thursday. It is just there all the time, affecting us all equally. Now there may be some who say that gravity doesn’t apply to them or they don’t feel bound by gravity’s terms, but they are wrong and we all know it.
I am similarly crazily wrong when I choose to move forward in my life without God. Without closeness to the Divinity that is always accessible to me. It is like trying to avoid gravity...silly and ineffective.
My life is evidence of the existence of God because I was a hopeless drunk and I am not that person anymore. I am changed. I am different. I am recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. And I have been blessed with a life today that is full and rich and amazing in its lack of real drama or excitement. No death defying feats over here...just living one day at a time and screwing it up on the regular. Can you imagine what my life would be like if I really tried to be in charge still all the time?
Feel like I use that word more often than I used to...
It is always me that moves away from source and always me who has to do the work to travel back. Seems so much easier just to stay with it. Allow it to just be the source and to stay close. I watch people relapse all the time and then try to get back to where they were before they relapsed...so much energy and work. So much effort - would have been so much easier to just stay. But they don’t...the distance between themselves and source is so great that some of them never make it back and perish under the crushing weight of addiction. Sad but so common that it almost becomes trite...except it isn’t because it is a person’s life lost, not just spiritual distancing that prevents connection.
So why do I do it if I know it never gets me where I want to go?
I really haven’t a clue. Sometimes it is boredom. Sometimes it is arrogance. Sometimes it is a stubborn refusal to accept spiritual help. Most of the time it is just self will running riot in my life.
The good news is that the older I get the more futile I see my efforts to move away and then have to work so hard to get back to where I was earlier. Silly, wasted effort that I lack the time and energy for as I age. Time and energy being in shorter supply all the time...
So I am over here trying to stay put and stay close...it makes life worth living and gives me hope for the future. Running from God or god or whatever you do or don’t believe in looks just as crazy as trying to run from gravity without a rocket. And yet...I do, we do...still.