Wilderness...

Last night, as I drove home down the 33, I got quite a wild show.  I saw two different kinds of owls, a coyote, many deer and a bear.  It was quite a stunning drive.  I was tired and it was late, but it was so good to see the wild life doing their thing.  I was happy to be slowed down to a reasonable pace, away from Interstate 5.  I was also very grateful to not be in the awful accident on the 5 yesterday.  Who knew that your diesel car needing Def would save me from being in a car accident.  Sometimes I really feel like God goes to any lengths to save me.

I spent a long time in my head this last road trip, the wilds of my mind, if you will.  And it was as active as all the wildlife I saw last night on my trip homeward.  There is a lot going on up in there.

Sometimes I feel like I know my mind.  I know the places it gets stuck, the dips, twists and turns.  I know the places it is wrecked and overgrown.  I know my mind...a little too well sometimes.

I took a break from writing for a few days.  It wasn’t planned, or intentional.  I just got busy at the convention and was on the move so much that I simply did not have time to write or really reflect.  The reflection was saved for the long drive home.

I took 6 days to get up to Vancouver, and two days back.  Needless to say the trip up was easier and more enjoyable than the long drive home.  However, I stopped and saw a friend on the way back and that made my drive homeward so much better.  And I was coming home, so that was an amazing landing place also.

I drove through much of the wilderness that exists between Ojai and Vancouver and I splayed my mind out over those miles of unadulterated wilderness.  I arrived home late last night, tired, but grateful.  Grateful to have come to know myself and others better on this trip.  Grateful to have my mind be a mostly peaceful place and grateful for the time to reflect on who I am and how I show up.

It was an emotionally charged voyage.  And I am processing all that occurred while I was away.  And I am not sure what any of it means, just yet.  I know I will be ok.  I know there are some changes on the horizon.  I know that I am changed, different than I was before I left.  I am not sure why I have to leave home to gain access to parts of myself that should be available all the time, but I do.  And I also know that I need time in nature, far away from people and routines and work, to come to know myself and, I guess in turn, others better.

My inner landscape never feels domesticated.  It always feels feral and wild.  It feels perilous and edgy.  But when I place that inner sanctuary into the wilds of nature, something happens that levels it all out making that which felt quite deadly before, mild and easier to understand and accept.

In short, I am grateful to have gone and I am very happy to be home.  I woke this morning to a dog and three cats on me.  Not next to me, but on me.  And that is one of the best feelings in this world - to be at home, in your own bed, surrounded by your very own wildlife that missed you quite desperately.

Again, still...