Working Out...

I have been a physically active person my whole life.  I have had fits and starts where I exercised often.  I was a medium distance runner for a long time.  Then I compulsively played tennis for a bit.  Then my hips decided that I should neither run very often or play tennis anymore...

I found weight lifting about 4 years ago.  I was lost in my life, in a job I felt no longer fit me, working too much, unable to get over my heartbreak and just kind of foundering.  I drank 12 coke zeros a day.  I had a real issue with chocolate.  I wasn’t unhappy but I wasn’t happy either.

I saw an ad on instagram and connected with a personal trainer.  I embarked on something that would change my life, and my satisfaction with a body I pretty much hated and abused for years.  I didn’t know it then but working out would become a foundational part of my existence.

I was not motivated at the start, I didn’t like the callouses that developed on my hands.  My body rebelled and hurt for days.  I didn’t really feel I like I was making progress.  I saw no overall improvement after the first six months, mostly because I was not looking at the crap I was putting in my body.  Finally, I surrendered to this tracking program and really began to look at what I was putting in and saw that my body could not “improve” when it was being fed a great deal of crap.

I made some mindset changes.  I cleaned up my diet. Said, “bye, bye” to soda and curtailed the chocolate.  I increased my workouts from two a week, to three a week, to now a five day work out week.  Going to the gym and lifting heavy shit is now just part of my every day.

I switched trainers a few months ago and it is amazing what a new perspective can do for you.  I have made more progress towards my personal goals in the last few months than I did for years with my old trainer.  Do not get me wrong, I am so grateful for that first one, she really helped me learn to show up and do better.   But lately, my new trainer, has me hitting all my goals and feeling better than I ever have.

Things work out when I work out.  That is what I have learned.  Staying active is just who I am, but weight lifting has given me the ability to drop into my body and develop a more kind and loving relationship to my body.  When I see the defintion and tone appear on the canvas of my shape, I am motivated to see what else this body of mine can do!

I was at war with my body for years.  Never having an “eating disorder” per se but definitely having disordered eating.  I am still picky and weird about food but I feel like through working out, I have finally found some peace with myself.  Today I marvel at what my body can do, instead of bemoan all that it cannot. And you cannot starve yourself AND lift weights, it is dangerous and not a great deal of fun! Your body needs fuel to function and weight lifting taught me that.

It is a true freedom when youmove from feeling like your body is a prison in which you are forced to live to feeling like your body is a pretty sweet vehicle to move through life with.  Life changing perspectives...

But what has really made my day repeatedly is seeing all the other people in the gym.  I have gotten to witness so many people who showed up in a similar war with themselves, trapped in a body they did not like or want, but definitely chose.  I see people every day come in and work to find acceptance for their shape and then work towards doing the best with what they have. There are people who are small and large, but regardless of the shape, they are working with what they have.  It seems, at least to me, we all come to accept what we have been given and do our best to improve upon these living vessels we call bodies.

It is such a life affirming event to watch a person who has struggled, lift a weight they have never been able to do before.  It is wonderful to be a part of a gym where we all support and help each other.  I never feel judged, shamed or out of place.  And I am often the only woman there, and almost always one of the older women there.

I didn’t know that working out would help me work out a number of life long issues.  But it has and it does.  I am taking off on a trip and not likely to work out for a few days.  I already miss it.  I miss my gym people, my routine and the mental acuity I get from repeatedly lifting heavy shit.

Working out has been a pathway for me to work out so many things in my life.  It has made a war zone a demilitarized zone.  It has brought me acceptance and love for something I once hated and it has increased my overall well being and perhaps longevity.  

I will miss my gym while I am gone. And that is not something I ever thought possible when I started this whole endeavor four years ago.  You don’t have to change everything all at once. My experience is great change comes with repeating one small act, daily.  And then stopping to look back and see how far you’ve come.  It feels really good to have found peace where I used to only find judgment and pain.  Sometimes, it all works out...but only when I do the work.

Again, still...

November 2024